Beyond freakin’ hilarious

Sorry for the lack of updates. Currently, I don’t have time. But I just HAD TO share this with the masses because I’m laughing out loud:

It’s Sarah Palin’s Facebook page! (Click to view larger image and read.)

Thanks HolyTaco.com!

Currently Feeling: Really headachy lately. So not like me.
Currently Anticipating: Ironing out some Halloween plans with the Dolphins tonight.
Currently Loving: THAT I’LL HAVE CABLE ON WEDNESDAY JUST IN TIME FOR PROJECT RUNWAY!!!

Gettin’ Jiggy with It

I’m heading to Miami today through Saturday as an accumulation to a two-month project I’ve been managing at work. I’m both very excited and a little nervous, one because I’ve never been to Miami, the weather is supposed to be a balmy 87-degrees, and I’m staying in a fancy schmancy hotel on Miami Beach. Two because Friday will be the event that I’ve spent countless hours planning for. Here’s hoping it all goes down without a hitch. *fingers crossed*

Each year, my work has a conference for all our branches, networks and affiliated businesses. My coworkers have described it as “an adult Halloween party” where every booth tries to make a better party than the next. Without any event-planning experience under my belt, my boss put me in charge of all the details–theme, decorations, food & drink, prizes, games, music, etc. But, that’s all the fun stuff. Then there’s all the crap–packing and shipping boxes, understanding drayage rates, handling and labor laws at tradeshows, the ins and outs of printing vinyl signs and assembling them, working with booth decorating companies, managing and staying within a budget, ordering drape, piping and electricity, etc. It’s been a learning process, to say the least. I’m nervous I’ve let something slip through the cracks. We shall see. At the very least, I know the definition of a good party. (Thank you college!)

That being said, our booth is Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville. It will be decorated with island store fronts, parrots, real palm trees and tropical plants, sand, etc. We’re serving margaritas and mini sliders (in honor of Buffett’s “Cheeseburger in Paradise” song). Our booth will be on the only booth with music playing over loudspeakers (a special Buffett and Luau mix I made from an old Hawaiian party in college), and we’ll have a prize wheel with tequila shooters and Caribbean hermit crab races. (I’m very interested to see what the hec those are all about.)

It’s been a lot of work, but it should be fun. Wish me luck!

Currently Feeling: A little nervous energy. Could be the coffee.
Currently Anticipating: Pool time!
Currently Dreading: Riding an airplane. I hate them!

The best way to quote Bob Dylan

“I built a ledder to the stars and climbed on avery rung.”

This is a misspelled sentence I caught today from my British friend. [No, not Old Balls.] At first I thought he was drunk, since it’s 11 p.m. there his time and in NO way do those words make sense. But, he just admitted he’s a bad speller and was trying to quote Dylan lyrics.

I don’t know why I think it’s so freakin’ funny, but it IS! It’s British misspelling – like how they would sound out a word and spell it. You can read the sentence and hear the British accent!

Love it. Instead of judging him for poor grammar, I’m going to start asking him to misspell everything.

This could probably be a little insight into why I thought Old Balls was so cute. When you’re British–even your misspelled words are adorable. When you’re American, you just look like an effin’ idiot!

Perhaps I should move to the Motherland.

Get the hec off my cloud

People see a little…off…today. Is it the weather?

My bus ride this morning was just odd. It was more crowded than usual, and one girl (slightly more curvy then the average bear) with a huge backpack and brown bag full of stuff (plus her own bag) had to stand and sway and fall over and trip in front of all of us on the back of the bus. She nearly fell over and a nice old lady said, “Are you okay?” “YES. I’m FINE,” she huffed back. Two people, including me, offered her a seat. The first she snottily replied, “No. There’s not enough room for me anyway!” And when I offered to move so she could have two seats, she replied in a shrill voice, “No. Nothing is going to work!” Yikes. We’re just trying to be nice, you freak show.

Then there was a guy listening to music so loud that the entire back of the bus could hear all the lyrics through his headphones. Everyone was glowering, glaring and mean-mugging him left and right. First it was extreme rap, then it was something Pantera-esque, then it was The Rolling Stones (the only decent choice). When one girl asked him to turn it down, he ignored her and looked straight ahead, continuing to interrupt our nice book-reading bus ride without so much a sorry or apologetic care in the world.

Then, I get into work, and the head of IT is setting up a brand new computer. “Ooh, that’s a pretty new screen!” I commented–very cheerfully–might I add. You know, just trying to make friendly conversation with the computer geeks. And he didn’t mutter a word, ignored me and didn’t even look up. Sheesh.

You know people, just because you’re having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, doesn’t mean you need to take it out on the rest of society who might be having a not so bad day until all of your negative energy pierced my purple aura bubble.

Currently Feeling: A little nervous, but excited for Miami!
Currently Anticipating: Finally getting cable at home. Lol.
Currently Hating: Comcast. Why are they always SO retarded?

Another year of those sneaky 4-ouncers

This past weekend was dedicated to Oktoberfest and recovering from Oktoberfest. (Are you guys getting sick of my same stories yet, year after year?)

I’ve gone to Fremont Oktoberfest for at least three years in a row now, and can attribute some sort of event or shenanigans with each year. Two years ago was the night I reconnected with The Bearded Lover (oh, what a mistake that was), and last year I had to put myself home in a cab at like 11 p.m. because those little 4-ounce shots snuck up on me reeeaal fast.

Now, I’m an Oktoberfest veteran. I know that even if those little 4-ounce beers look like nothing, and only 10 tokens doesn’t seem nearly enough, it always is. I’ve learned to pace myself and enjoy a FULL evening of drunken debauchery…

Friday night Amanda and I headed to Oktoberfest by ourselves–or so we thought. We ended up spending the evening with two of Amanda’s former Match.com dates, splitting our time up between the two different boys and their friends. Entirely entertaining. We were POP-u-LAR. (Didn’t have to pay for a single drink at the bars. Boo yah.) We also hit the jackpot of good beers. My favorites–Giddy Up! from New Belgium brewery (beer with espresso), Purple Haze from Elysian (beer made of marrionberries and lavendar), and the Cherry Stout from Lang Greek Ale. (Clearly I like the fruity beers.) We finished of our evening at the old stomping grounds, The Dubliner, The Red Door and Dick’s Burgers.

I was hurtin‘ with a capital H on Saturday, but did it all again on Sunday for a friend’s birthday. Luckily, I was able to make it for the two nicest days during the weekend, and totally skipped the grey and drizzle at Oktoberfest on Saturday. The highlight of my drinking fest on Sunday had to be when we were waiting to go to the bathroom and a girl walked out with her skirt tucked into her tights. Since she didn’t have any underwear on–or at least had an invisible thong–you could see her bare butt as she walked down the middle of the path of people. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t see straight and had to run up to the poor girl, half laughing, half hissing, “Your BUNS are SHOWING!”

Oktoberfest–it’s no BUM-mer!

(Terrible, terrible.)

Currently Feeling: Like I might be getting sick. Dammit!
Currently Anticipating: Getting my apartment put back together.
Currently Loving: Redecorating!

A post in which 20-Something sums up Old Balls

Once upon a time – let’s say in my “early 20s” – I dated a 35-year-old man, which my friends now refer to as “Old Balls.”

Thirty-five now, perhaps now so old. But, 35 then was 11 years my senior, and probably a little shocking to some. Who knows, I was trying on dating older men for size.

For the most part, it was kinda fun. He was a Patrick-Demspeyesque with salt and pepper hair and a British accent. He called me up for dinner and drinks nearly every night, and he didn’t play the usual cat and mouse dating game.

But then I’d have my “20-Something, You’re totally bat-shit” moments. Like when he hadn’t ever heard of Sublime, (HELLO! Clearly not in my generation.) Or when he did this kinda dorky sway thing the elbow jives while dancing, (Oh, so 1980s). Or when he gave me the thumbs-up (Sorta like a history teacher or your creepy older uncle, or something worse). And then there was the absolute worst–one time he actually put classical music on right before coitus, and I was reminded of that episode in SATC when Samantha broke out in opera crescendo. Gak. I’m from the generation where we put on R. Kelly’s “Bump and Grind” or some good ole’ LL Cool J!

These are just some of the moments that made me say, “Oh this really just isn’t for me.” But, I was just too caught-up to recognize it quick enough and express it. Or too young. Who knows. But it wasn’t long before he did.

He explained to me one night how isn’t “wasn’t working out” and he’s at an age where he needs to “think about settling down” and find a “life partner,” which more or less wasn’t a 24-year-old girl who drank six nights a week and couldn’t even utter the word marriage without upchucking the beer she just swallowed.

So, eight months later he was engaged to a Russian chic that he met on Match.com, and now they have a little Piroshki in the oven.

Guess he wasn’t joking.

Currently Feeling: Like my boyfriend is the greatest.
Currently Anticipating: Last kickball game tonight and beers at Lenny’s!
Currently Loving: This scramble thing I just bought from a little place in my building.

Curly Like Jessie Spano*

I am a curly headed woman.

I know, I know. You all have to peel yourselves off the floor in shock from reading that line.

BUT, as a curly headed woman, I’ve spent years, probably 1,000s of dollars and countless hours using, purchasing, researching and gathering recommendations for THE PERFECT CURL hair product. I’d like to think that I’m somewhat of an expert. In fact, the commission I made on hair product sales while working as a receptionist at a salon during college supported my college drinking habit.

So, it really just frosts my cookies when I see really great curl potential walking around in light-socket, mad-scientist frizz. Come on people – put some product on that head of hair of yours!!

That’s my thought of the day.

*Jessie Spano

Currently Feeling: Like a fatty.
Currently Anticipating: “Dexter,” wine and boyfriend on the new couch tonight.
Currently Wishing: I was going to the Goldfrapp concert tonight at the Showbox. No money, there’s never any money!

Holy cheap makeup, Batgirls!

Remember when I introduced you, all my lovely lady friends, to that ridiculously cheap and addictive shoe Web site nearly two years ago? Well, I have another little tip for you, if you haven’t dipped into it already.

I received an email two weeks ago from a friend, which said Nordstrom’s was changing the packaging of their E.L.F. makeup brand (Eyes, Lips, Face) and therefore selling everything for $1. Upon further research, apparently this email is a scam, and E.L.F. is no way affiliated with Nordstrom. BUT, it’s not a total scam–E.L.F. says they weren’t involved in this email rumor, but they do in fact sell nearly everything for $1, claiming that the makeup industry is overpriced. They’ve been recommended by Oprah and a number of fashion magazines.

So, I scowered their Web site and ordered away. They have everything from lotions and shower gel, to makeup, brushes, tweezers, eyelash curlers, nail polish and more.

Today, I received my shipment, and I have nearly only positive things to say. It is an inexpensive product, but I wouldn’t say that it’s any worse than Maybelline or some other drugstore makeup brands, and you really can’t beat the price. There are certain things I’d jump on, and certain things to pass up.

Out of nearly 30 items, only about three came back in the color I wasn’t expecting. It is a little tough to tell exactly what you’re going to get with online pictures. Their Luscious Liquid Lipstick has a great consistency and flavor (not sticky), and their mineral eye shadows and face makeup are FANTASTIC at only $3 a piece. (Mineral makeup is the latest crazy and usually pretty expensive, so this really is a steal. I’d specifically recommend the Celebrity and Wild mineral eye shadows.) I’d probably pass on ordering their mascara again; I’ve yet to try the nail polish for quality, but dig the bronzer (super shimmery!) and especially their Elements customizable makeup palettes. (Great for throwing in your bag when spending the night over at a guy’s house.)

All-in-all I say check them out. What’s $1 these days anyway?

TIP: If you enter CAROLINA at check-out, you get $7.95 off an order over $15! That’s half off! And, if you spend more than $20, you get a free subscription to Vogue.

Happy shopping, gals!

Currently Feeling: Cute in my favorite summer work dress.
Currently Anticipating: Picking up my new couch tonight.
Currently Wishing: I could transport myself to San Fran tomorrow.

An Affair in Bad Furniture

I thought I’d share some of my great couch finds on Craigslist as a follow-up to my previous post.

Aren’t those some beauties! Fortunately, I was able to weed through the bad ones, and found the absolute most beautiful and comfortable, overstuffed, white microfiber couch-in perfect condition-for 300 bucks! I will be bringing home the new addition next week, and sleeping there instead of my bed. This is my first major “adult furniture” purchase; I just feel so grown up. (Even it it is used and from Craigslist).

Currently Feeling: Burnt out but strangely chipper.
Currently Anticipating: Project Runway with Sarah tonight.
Currently Reading: Trying out, “Life of Pi” for the third time.

New places to sit and new people to sit with

I’ve spent the last couple days responding and inquiring to Craigslist ads for roommates and couches since both will be gone from my apartment in a short amount of time.

It’s been quite interesting, to say the least. The ironic thing is that while I’m losing a roommate who’s going to live in a place with her boyfriend, I’ll probably be gaining a roommate who is moving out of a place with a boyfriend. I’m not sure if it’s sorta funny, tragic, scary or all of the above, but every girl who has come to look at our house has given me this story:

“Oh, I moved to Seattle [insert time frame here] with my boyfriend, but now we’re broken up so I have to find a place to live as soon as possible!”

My apartment will soon become a halfway house for single girls in their late 20s who recently lived with a boyfriend. Luckily, I’m far away from joining the lot [No matter your advice and opinion, Uber. ].

As for the couches on Craigslist, well that’s a double yikes. I’ve spent a lot of time cringing at the stuff that’s posted. I mean, seriously?! Couches and cars are one and the same. You know how you look at people who are driving around a lemon yellow mini van with wood side-paneling and exclaim, “WHY, why, WHY would you EVER buy that?!!?”

Well, that’s how I’ve felt about most of the couches that are listed on Craigslist. I mean, how do people decorate around a couch that is plaid primary colors, or has green and salmon pink swirls and flowers all over it with a maple wood trim?! I’ve learned a few things too during this couch hunt of mine:

• There are way too many green couches out there. All couch manufacturers should stop making green couches. No more green leather, no more green micro fiber. Green is just not a good couch color. Clearly green couches are out because everyone is selling theirs.
• Never, ever open the listings that say.. “Beautiful couch for sale!” The couch is never beautiful. Trust me. Stay away from, “In great condition” as well.
• Any couch priced at $150 or less is cringe worthy. HOW do these couches get in the condition they’re in, WHAT have they been doing on them, and WHO owns these things?!
• People are trying to squeeze way more money out of a sale than their couches are ever worth.
• Couches for sale in Maple Valley, Covington, Everett, Kent, Sultan and all related areas really aren’t worth taking a look at.

I will, of course, keep you updated on a roommate or couch decision in the near future.

Currently Feeling: Freakin’ glad Miranda Priestly left the building.
Currently Anticipating: ESB Baybay.
Currently Loving: The dance station I found on Pandora.