Dear Red States

I seem to be going back and forth between Halloween posts and Election Day posts – two things I’m very passionate about. My apologies if you don’t feel that passionate about it, you should probably stop reading now…I was sent a grand little e-mail this morning, that I just have to share since we’re moments away from a HUGELY exciting and nervewracking election (which I’ll be spending at the bar) FYI – THIS IS A JOKE :

Dear Red States,

If you manage to steal this election too, we’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85% of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the Red States pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce,92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico

Peace out,
Blue States

GOBAMA 08!

Scared startled

Last night I went to my first haunted house production since my third-grade self was blindfolded and forced to stick my hand in a bowl of peeled grapes and spaghetti at the low-budget Halloween spook fests held in elementary.

“Oooh. Are you going to be SKAA-red?” Baby Daddy said to me before we left.

Uh, no, not likely. I mean, are we talking scared or startled? I don’t know if a haunted house with costumed zombies and fake blood really has the ability to genuinely SCARE me. Like hair-on-the-back-of-your-neck-standing-up, goosebumps, heart-beating, can’t-open-your-eyes scared. Now maybe a real haunted house with some ghostly activity—that would freakin’ scare the living daylights out of me. (*scare the living daylights* so a phrase my mom uses).

I was wrong, just a bit. I was frightened – but more from all the B.A.R.K.L.E.’s * in attendance than anything else.

We arrived at the KUBE 93.3 Haunted House around 8:30 last night and were greeted with a long line of people waiting. Who knew this thing was so popular? Luckily the wait was made even sweeter with a $1 cup of SwissMiss hot cocoa, and it wasn’t long before we found ourselves at the entrance.

This year, the radio station is holding their yearly Halloween production at the Georgetown Morgue—a former funeral service, crematorium and meat-packing facility before becoming KUBE’s haunted house. Apparently, the building has a shady past with stories about a body disappearing from the embalming table and showing up in someone’s front yard, dismembered. And supposedly, a guy also was buried alive there when an earthquake in 1965 caused a tower of the mortuary to cave in, and nine employees were massacred, forced into the crematory and all burned alive, in 1968. Spooooky!

The haunted house plays off this theme, with autopsy tables and the grossest of all—hanging slaughtered animals and bags of what seem to be dead bodies that you have to weave through. Eww yuck. I wasn’t necessarily super scared, but I was super startled. I didn’t loosen the grip I had on Baby Daddy’s waist until we were safely through the dark hallways with “machine guns” that shot at the back of my head, the moving, crooked room with strobe lights and creepy clowns, and all the dark corners that seemed to have actors jumping out of them.

While it was a little cheesy, I love anything and everything that has to do with Halloween—so I’d recommend it to any of you Halloween lovers out there. And, it’s totally worth a $15 date night. ($15 = Entrance fee + hot chocolate).

* B.A.R.K.L.E. stands for people from Burien, Auburn, Renton, Kent, Lynwood, Everett. My friend Jana taught me that phrase, and it cracks my shit up!

Currently Feeling: Ill from all the Halloween candy I’ve consumed today.
Currently Anticipating: This new Nia fitness class I’m taking at the gym tonight.
Currently Hating: That flowers die so quickly!

A Retirement Plan for 2008

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling (in a state that gives you money for recycling – damn you Washington), you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

DRINKING BEER IS THE BEST INVESTMENT FOR YOUR FUTURE.

Currently Feeling: Phlegmy with a sore throat…it’s so my time since I haven’t been sick since probably last February.
Currently Anticipating: The Kube 93.3 haunted house tonight with John and Sue – it wasn’t open last night.
Currently Hating: That the flats I bought are more uncomfortable than my heels.

A tisket, a tasket – a flower making, margarita?!

I received flowers at work yesterday – such a nice surprise! Some girls I’ve known have said that receiving flowers at work would be super embarrassing for them. Not me, no sirree. Send me flowers every day, if you feel so inclined.

After work, Baby Daddy explained to me how he ordered the flowers:

“Usually I just call and say, “Red roses.”

“But I saw this pic, and I told the guy, ‘I want the big margarita glass with all the pink in it.’”

Booze and pink – so me.

Currently Feeling: Frustrated that the steps I’m taking to remedy a situation aren’t panning out.
Currently Anticipating: Headin’ to the Kube 93.3 Haunted House with John and Sue tonight! – It’s Halloween date night!
Currently Wanting: These boots.

Picturesque glimmers of my weekend

At work on Friday, we had a celebration lunch scheduled after our four-hour marketing meeting. We arrived at Purple Wine Bar & Café on 4th Avenue (one of my all-time favorite places) at 1:30 and our Global VP of Marketing announced, “Cancel all your meetings – we’re not going back to work.” We then proceeded to order appetizers, lunch, dessert, wine, wine and more wine until the boyfriend finally picked me up at 5:30. Boy was I BUZ-ZED. Purple Café has “wine flights,” which is four glasses of wine pairings that are brought to you in a cool little wine rack with a card that explains each wine. I feel in love with Gunn Estate Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand and drank about 14 glasses—a perfect start to the weekend.

After sobering up from my all-day lunch, the two of us met up with Adam and Kate to attend a Halloween party at The Baltic Room—all you can drink for the small fee of $25. I have never attended a Halloween party at a bar before, and the array of costumes was completely awesome. My favorite was a female Waldo—jean skirt, red and white striped tank, red scarf and beanie and thick black-rimmed, round glasses. I’m totally stealing it. An hour or so into the festivities, the boyfriend looked at me and asked, “Do you feel weird around all these Asians?” (There were a lot of Asian people at the bar). “What the hec are you talking about? Why would I feel weird around Asian people?” “Because you’re dressed as a Geisha?” Hmmm. Never thought of it that way. Is being a Geisha totally un-P.C.?! I had no idea.

Saturday, we went to Discovery Park with a picnic lunch, and afterward grabbed ice cream at Cold Stone. (Is there anything better than their Sinless Sweet Cream!?) The boyfriend went his direction (boy’s night out), and I decided to have my own sexy and exciting Saturday night—I stayed in, rearranging my closet. I bought these fantastic closet saving hangers, since my closet is the size of Anne Frank’s hideaway with enough clothing to dress the entire Third Reich. Looks like I’ll need about 80 more of the hangers to complete the transformation, but at least it’s a start.

Sunday I went over to my parent’s house, so my mom could finish my Halloween costume. My little sister was in town from WSU, so we took a sisterly shopping trip to Alderwood where I bought the most perfect scarf in black, brown, cream and green—it should literally go with everything. Next to skinny jeans with boots, printed scarves are my new favorite fad. I think I’ll buy one in every color.

I also encountered some sort of insane new fad—the Butt Booster! I couldn’t believe it; stores are actually selling underwear shorts with butt padding in them. I certainly don’t need them, here’s an image if you don’t know why, but for all you butt-deprived girls out there, you can find the Butt Booster at Love Culture. Hurry before they sell out. (Weird).

I wrapped up my weekend with some girl time at Amanda’s and Vanessa’s where we discussed next weekend’s Halloween plans, watched Amazing Race and Desperate Housewives (my favorite TV night!), and ate popcorn and Vanessa’s homemade chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting.

MMMMM.

All in all, a successful weekend!

Currently Feeling: Violated and annoyed. People should mind their own business.
Currently Anticipating: Haunted tours and houses! New scary movies! Halloween parties! Pumpkin carving! This week is my favorite week of the ENTIRE year!
Currently Loving: My new Volcom fuzzy, insulated turquoise gloves!

Inspiration for Change

Courtesy of one of my favorite bloggers:

From photographer, Callie Shell:

These two boys waited as a long line of adults greeted Senator Obama before a rally on Martin Luther King Day in Columbia, S.C. They never took their eyes off of him. Their grandmother told me, “Our young men have waited a long time to have someone to look up to, to make them believe Dr. King’s words can be true for them.”

Gives me tingles.

Currently Feeling: Sassy and pretty in printed tights, a flouncy skirt and a pink cashmere sweater.
Currently Anticipating: Wine and Survivor tonight with Amanda?
Currently Listening To: My classic rock station on Pandora. Love it!

Here we go for 30 days, Buddy

I finally stuck in Jillian Andrew’s fitness DVD, “30-Day Shred” tonight. I first read about it on This Fish, who the linked to her blog friend who started it as well. Both girls mentioned how difficult but effective it’s rumored to be. My curiosity was piqued, (not peeked or peaked), and I ordered it that day from Amazon.com.

After a couple more weeks of groveling about my extra “boyfriend pounds” and staring at the very intimidating, unwrapped DVD on my dresser, I finally bit the bullet tonight after trying on Halloween costumes this week, and hating everyone of them. (Luckily I still have my mom’s sewing magic up my sleeve).

Hello, pain! I know this is day one, but pushing yourself through excruciating lateral raise after excruciating push up is really difficult! And the whole time Ms. Jillian is shouting, “Don’t give up! I don’t care how tired you are! This is only 20 minutes, so you can’t stop! If you want to see results, you have to push yourself, Buddy!” I’m sure the new neighbors below me were thinking all sorts of odd things, from “Hmm, Elephant above me,” to “Wow, that’s some intense post-dinner coitus.”

Nope, nope. Neither one. Just 20-Something sweatin’ to “the toughest trainer on TV.” Hey, if she can make 75-plus pounds melt off the realty TV suckers on The Biggest Loser, she can certainly help me lose my jiggle that seems to have miraculously appeared somewhere between wine every night after work and pizza with my Pizza-Obsessive boyfriend. (Gawd, and he’s so damn thin. I hate the male metabolism).

So, here’s to the beginning of my 30-day shred. *Wine glass raised*

Overheard on the bus this morning: Halloween costumes

“One year, I was a milkshake.”

“Oh yeah, how’d that work…”

“I wore red tights and a red sweater, and my mom made this big felt cup with brown felt on the top. I glued Sweetheart boxes around the edge and cut holes out the sides for my arms.”

*Laughs*

“And one year, I was nuclear waste. I wore a Hazmat suit and had slime everywhere.”

“Huh, that’s creative.”

“Oh, and then one year, I was a picnic.”

“A picnic?”

“Yeah, I had a red and white checkered tablecloth skirt, and I glued ants all over my body. I wore an AstroTurf hat and carried around a picnic basket with candy in it.”

Okay, even though I was totally eavesdropping, I had to laugh outloud at that one. I wish I only had that type of Halloween creativity history. Gold star for her!

Currently Feeling: Like I’ve never hated someone so much in my life. So unhealthy.
Currently Anticipating: All the fun Halloween plans I have this weekend! I think I’m going to resurrect the Geisha costume this weekend, and boyfriend can be my Geisha pimp, since they really were call girls.
Currently Watching: The new Indiana Jones.

Be the change you want to see in the world

It’s official!

Currently Feeling: Amused with other people’s need to passive aggressively put others down. I think being passive aggressive is a top pet peeves to add to my list.
Currently Anticipating: This SUPER rad invite I just received from Kate for a Halloween party on Friday–all you can drink for $25?! I’m SO there.
Currently Wanting: Fantastic camel-colored boots.

What can I say, I’m a bit of a girly girl

Lots and lots of fall-time events this past weekend.

I went to a pumpkin patch with the boyfriend, the new roomie and friends on Sunday.

My friend’s older sister expressed her concern to my friend before I showed up, “Does 20-Something know how to, you know, dress for the pumpkin patch? Will she know to wear tennis shoes?” Apparently because I’m almost always dressed up and in heels when my friend’s sister sees me, she thinks I’m one of those dumb girls who would wear heels to a pumpkin patch. Well, I never.

Friend and I had a good laugh about this.

The funny part is, I was without a car and stayed at the boyfriend’s house on the Eastside all weekend. I left my house Saturday morning, without any clothes, change of underwear, make-up and hair product—a dumb move I cursed all weekend. So, I actually did go to the pumpkin patch on Sunday—not by choice or plan—in wedge heels.

I guess I am one of those girls who shows up at a pumpkin patch in heels. How embarrassing.

After the pumpkin patch, I spent hours with my mom at the fabric store, selecting a pattern and fabric for my Halloween costume. (Aren’t you just dying to know what it is – don’t get too excited, it’s not that great. I fear that I out-did myself forever with my costume last year.) We waited in line with about 30 other mothers and their broods of loud, crying children. Half of them were talking to a mystery person on their Blue-Tooth-enabled headset. Perhaps the sixth child, waiting behind a Swinger sewing machine for bolts of fabric to be brought back home, their fingers bandaged and bleeding? Who knows. I overheard a comment from someone working at the store that more people seem to be making their Halloween costume this year. I could chalk it up to the economic crisis, since everything seems to be linked to that these days. But, that theory was blown right out of the water when I rang up the list of items I needed to make my costume–$30 worth of red fringe later (plus all the fabric, zippers, etc.), and I spent just as much as a store-bought costume. No wonder they don’t give those things away.

At least with my red-fringed mystery costume, I won’t be ridiculed for wearing heels in public.

Pickin’ my way through the pumpkin fields in heels

Currently Feeling: Really sick of pulling myself out of bed in the dark.
Currently Anticipating: Picking up the last costume needs tonight at Redlight on Broadway.
Currently Loving: How fantastic our fall weather has been thus far.