[This wonderfully hilarious post is brought to you by Katie from Don't Call Me Kathleen, and I think we might be blog twins because my regular readers should know, I am famous for drunken mishaps and Baby Jesus loving. So she couldn't really have done any better, picking a story to fit into my little corner of the Interwebs. Here's a quick background story to show you how dumb I can be sometimes (even though I claim to be the smartest shizniz eva) - when Katie contacted me about guest blogging, I went to her blog to read a little bit, thought her blog title and tagline were pretty funny, and went to write her back. I think I must have quickly glanced at her email for her name, and wrote her an email back with, "Hi Kathleen!" Yeah. Biggest brain fart of 2009 so far. Anyway, I read this post last Monday morning after she sent it over, and it freakin made my morning. I hope it makes your Monday morning too...]

Driving. Texting. Shopping.

These are normal actions that we all do daily. But, slap the word drunk in front of any of these words and you have a few phrases that have almost guaranteed negative results. You could end up in jail, having sex with you ex boyfriend who you broke up with because he had herpes, or worst of all, buying something ridiculous.

You’re thinking to yourself; “Shopping really doesn’t compare to Drunk Driving or Drunk Texting. What’s the big deal?”

Dear friends, I’m about to go Mother Goose on you, and tell you a wonderful story. Gather ’round now.

It’s worth mentioning that this wasn’t just any shopping. This was online shopping. This wasn’t shopping for anyone. It was for my Grandmother.

It was a cold and dark night. And by cold and dark, I mean I was drinking Guinness. I was having a wonderful time with some friends; catching up, laughing and having heart-to-heart talks. I opened up to them about my recent stay in Florida, and how it made me feel much closer to my Grandmother. Since my Grandfather has taken ill, she really has been under a lot of stress, and in some ways, I do feel that my stay there helped a bit. All of my friends suggested that I send a little something down, just to remind her that though I’m miles away, she’s still on my mind.

Their suggestion stayed with me throughout the night, and as I traveled home, I decided that they were right, and I was going to send something nice down to her. When I got home, I didn’t waste any time drinking from the bottle pouring myself a glass of wine and beginning my search for the perfect gift. I went through the traditional gift ideas; Flowers? Jewelry? Makeup? Gift Card?

Flowers would die. She has too much jewelry. She doesn’t wear much makeup. Gift cards are too impersonal. I was stuck. Then, it came to me.

She’s religious, she’s a die hard Catholic who watches the morning mass and says her rosary 3 times a day. I’ll get her rosary beads, or a statue or something! Fantastic!

Within minutes, I had Googled to a website that featured a handmade plaster statue of baby Jesus. I figured that my Grandmother could put it on her dashboard in the car, or maybe in her room on the nightstand. I went with white, though they did have a great selection of colors including purple, black and red. At an economical $35, it wasn’t too expensive, but I was confident that it was of quality material and wasn’t simply a hunk of sidewalk chalk.

I checked-out, and turned in for the night.

Fast Forward: 3 Weeks Later

I get a phone call from my landlady that I have a package. I asked her if it had a return address on it, and she told me it was from Divine Interventions. I knew then that it was my Grandmother’s gift. I wasn’t going to be back at my apartment for a few days, so I made a quick call to my father and asked him to go to my place, pick up the gift and reship it to my Grandmother. He was glad to do so.

When I finally made it back to my apartment, I came across my Divine Intervention Invoice that my father had made sure to leave me. I was breezing over it, and noticed the itemized billing section:

“1 BJ B-Plug”
“1 Jackhammer Jesus”
…

I don’t remember ordering a Jackhammer Jesus. I WAS intoxicated. Since it was for my Grandmother, I really didn’t intend on seeking a refund. I figured it was probably some sort of statue of Jesus building something. He WAS a Carpenter. But, wait, did they have Jackhammers back then?

While debating this, I saw the typo in the first product. “BJ”. Yikes! I started laughing. They made a big typo, and it was pretty inappropriate. I figured I should go to the website and tell them about it, especially since they’re religious folk. I typed the website into my browser. I stopped laughing.

I didn’t get my Grandmother a Statue of Baby Jesus.

I got my Grandmother a Baby Jesus Butt Plug. It was on its way to her house.

Lesson Learned: There are many-a things a wise man does not do while drinking. Driving, Texting, and Online Shopping.

Just in case you’re wondering, I was able to intercept the package and have it sent back to me. Come to find out, I also was accidentally given a Jackhammer Jesus, which is another sex toy.

Jesus should be in your heart, not in your vagina.