Sigh. I hate to admit it, but I’ve been struggling a bit lately with my corner of the Internet… let me preface this by saying NO, this is not a goodbye letter. I don’t understand those who give up their blogs as if it was just something they tried out for awhile. Writing and this blog are as close to my heart as marshmallows and bacon. (And if you know me AT.ALL., you know that’s pretty effing close). I will never give up marshmallows or bacon. I will never give up writing a blog. This bit of absence, however, has happened to me a couple times since starting this site four years ago. And, I guess I’m doing more of a “reevaluation” of sorts – out loud, if you will. What is this blog to me, and what do I need to keep a balance between my interest and my readers’.

Recently I’ve found myself with a lack of time to write. This happened to me the last time I got a new job – so I know that it’s a relearning of balance. That things will eventually slow down, and I’ll find myself here just as often as in the past. But, in the meantime I constantly worry about missing out on the blogs I read, the blogs of those who comment and read my blog. Of missing out on the community I’ve slowly built here in the last few years.Then, when I find myself with time to write – nothing strikes me worth writing about. Kinda like when it’s been so long since you’ve talked to a friend, that you can’t think of anything to tell them cause there’s really far too much to make notes on the minutia – so you focus on the BIG. But it starts to feel as if there’s nothing BIG and exciting enough to share.

I’ve also admittedly been struggling with how much I share and don’t share. There’s a weird paradigm with being a blogger…it works best to write your real feelings and real thoughts. To be raw and not hold back. To show the human nature that links together each solitary entity floating alone in this space we call life, or the Internet. The fears, and unhappy moments. The worry and dread, and elation and tears. All of which, are 100 times easier to share when you’re anonymous. But “anonymous” bloggers – and take it from somewhat of a pro – NEVER stay anonymous. Never. I’ve seen many a blog deleted because of this. No matter how hard you try, the social spread on the Web is way too far reaching, and eventually your ex, ex’s new girlfriend, boyfriend’s ex-wife, boyfriend’s mom, that girl you don’t really like and talked a bit of shiz about, an old best friend, etc. will find your blog. (All of which has happened to me). Sometimes I read blogs that are super funny and crass (maybe two things I used to be in a former blogger life), and I can’t believe that they’re saying these things. That they’re, GASP, tarnishing their online brand.

Because that’s all I can think about now. It’s my career for God’s sake. To care about an online brand. A social space. A name you make for yourself on the Internet that is ALWAYS there. In archives. In Google. God knows how I had the premonition to be this smart. But I was always very careful on how you could or could not find this blog. And to.this.day, you can’t Google my “IRL” name, and find it. I don’t link to it on Facebook or my branded Twitter. I’m still sort of leading a double life, even though I’m no longer sharing things here that are worth hiding. I’m aware that if my employer or boyfriend’s mom finds this, I don’t want to be embarrassed. So I censor myself, yet still don’t open it up to the waterfall of people in my life.

And quite frankly, I’m already so tired of censoring myself for this waterfall as I write. I want to say the things I think about without second guessing myself. I started blogging because of the therapy that writing provides me…yet somehow I’ve lost the ability to say what I need to say most to make myself feel better. That sometimes I second guess myself like everyone else. That sometimes it freaks the shit out of me to be dating someone with a kid and not act sunshiny about it all the time. That my relationship has been hard at times and has had its ups and downs. That sometimes my friendships frustrate me. My family hurts me. And I feel insecure that people don’t like me. That I worry I’m not doing this and that, and I’m almost 28. That sometimes I reminisce about things and people so far in the past that I wonder why they even surface in my mind. That while I might seem I have a fabulous head on my shoulders, that the pressure of this sometimes tires me. That occasionally I’m sad and bored, and I’m so insanely terrible at finances that I’m somewhat of a joke. Oh, and I don’t wash my face every night either. Sometimes I’m HUMAN. And that when I admit these things to the Internet, I won’t seem like less of a person to my ex, ex’s new girlfriend, boyfriend’s ex-wife, boyfriend’s mom, girl I don’t really like and wrote a bit of shiz about or my old best friend.

I can’t say a lot of this anymore because I’m editing as I write for the people I feel might or could read it.

And then there’s this whole 20-something lifestyle blog thing. I’ve changed and grown since I started this. I used to write about how drunk I got. Tell all the stupid and irresponsible stories I got myself into. Wax poetically about boy problems and dates, kisses and crushes. But I’ve grown up a bit. I care more about the food I’m eating, about learning to cook, about classes and trying new things, about exercise, books and exploring culture in my city. About my career and blogging professionally about the things I think about every day. About what I’m passionate about now. Cause I’m passionate no longer about drinking and being silly. I’m passionate about my career – I read just as many professional blogs that I read 20-something blogs. I want to write about a geeky new tech site I recently read about, without feeling like I’m boring my readers because I’m more interested now in tech gadgets than I am in Lemon Drops.

I want to find a balance of just the amount of posts to keep me feeling satiated between pressure and absence. I want to write my real thoughts and feelings in a space that I can share with everyone and feel comfortable with. I want to share my real life without the fear of being boring.

Is that too much to ask? Dear ex, ex’s new girlfriend, boyfriend’s ex-wife, boyfriend’s mom, girl I don’t really like and have written a bit of shiz about or my old best friend, don’t hesitate to let me know.

Currently Feeling: Like being on a BU-dget is BO-ring.
Currently Anticipating: Wine Rocks event on Thursday. Wine and fancy food paired with rock bands at a swanky restaurant, yes please!
Currently Needing: A new class or hobby to carry me through the winter – I always do better when I have a fun week-night activity to look forward to.