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Friendships in Your Thirties

By Je on 23rd July, 2012

Recently, an article was written for the New York Times (coincidentally by the husband of one of my favorite bloggers, Joanna from Cup of Joe) about how it can be difficult to make friends after 30. The post has sparked a lot of conversation, and I’ve seen a lot of commentary and social shares from people agreeing or disagreeing with the sentiment of the author, Alex Williams. Williams writes that making friends later in life (your 30s and beyond) can be difficult and is often attributed to us all being a little bit more busy, and a little pickier with what our priorities are and expectations in friendship.

Reese & Hayley Synchronized Crazy Happy Dance!

//image// D. Sharon Pruitt

Personally, I’ve been particularly hyper-aware of this during my first year in San Francisco as I’ve been working to fill my “pool of friends,” as Williams calls it. I’ve met a lot of people over this past year and have had many conversations with those who are also in different stages of making new friends: either brand new to a city and what sometimes equates to desperately searching for new friends, struggling to understand the idiosyncrasies of new or changing friendships, or unfortunately, sometimes removing friendships that aren’t working.

I’ve been really lucky in life with friends – close female and male relationships seemingly have come naturally and easily to me thus far. I feel surrounded by friends who feel like my family and a good list I could dial up if shit completely hit the fan, and I needed someone to talk to, pick me up, rescue me, rub my feet and feed me bonbons (just joking – that’s gross).

But this doesn’t mean I don’t work and try really hard at each of those friendships. Work nearly every day, all year long, at it. I try to remember the little dates and moments that are important to my friends and keep up on their lives: how did that interview go on Monday… how are you feeling today… tell me about your weekend… we haven’t seen each other in awhile, let’s do dinner…did you get the card I sent you… I’ve made this part of my priority in life, whether I’m in a serious relationship or single. If you’re one of my good friends, I won’t let too much time go by before I check in or make a plan to see your pretty face. I’m far, far from perfect or from anyone that has this “all figured out,” but those are just a few of the ways I keep my friends and cultivate my friendships.

I'll Give You All I Can...

//image // Brandon Warren

But, as I charter new friendships in San Francisco (and coincidentally, my first year of 30), I find myself making more calculated, conscience decisions about keeping or not keeping friendships with people more than any time in my life. Williams nailed it for me: my time is increasingly limited. (Even though I never feel like I’m “too busy” to make new friends or to meet new people). I am, however, picky about spending my time with the wrong people. I’m also increasingly more aware of the kind of people I want to surround myself with and what I expect from my friendships. Some of the things I’ve thought about when evaluating new friendships over the past year and deciding who I want to center my energy around and spend my time with are:

  • Are we somewhat similar? Do we like to do the same things, do we have good “talks,” are you “social,” can we find common ground?
  • Do you treat your friendships with integrity? Will you call me back, show up, listen, and show support.
  • Are we both putting as much into the friendship as we’re getting out of it (equally, from both sides)?
  • Do we like each other? Do we invite each other. Do we want to stand in a room full of people with each other.
  • Do you, or have you, repeatedly hurt my feelings? (This is usually my last “screening” question before I decide that a friendship probably just isn’t for me).

Friends
// image // Hartwig HKD

It might seem like a lot – and I know I’m not “dating” my friends, but sometimes we spend so much time with a friend, it’s kinda like you are dating each other. So why not be nearly, or just as, picky?

What are some of the things you look for in your friendships? Do you think I’m too picky? How have your friendships changed as you get older? I’d love to hear your opinion on this topic!

Currently Feeling: Glad my week is a LOT slower than last week – I almost spontaneously burst in flames last week from all the professional and personal plans. Whew. Coming up for air for those I owe phone calls and emails to…
Currently Anticipating: A lot of free time this week to spend on the final touches of my “passion project” that I swear was going to be done two months ago.
Currently Sick Of: Unsubscribing from every “Comments and Likes” from all friends on Facebook because I see random photos and updates of people I don’t even know on my phone. Weird, Facebook!

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Filed under Lessons from SF, Life Lessons & Changes, San Francisco, San Francisco Life

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  • http://www.achicknamedcarl.wordpress.com/ cariannlyle

    Interesting article, and good for you for setting specific criteria for making new friends. When I first moved away from my best friends, I ended up in some very draining and uncomfortable friendships because I got too caught up in wanting what I had back home. I let my feelings get hurt and I let other people’s toxic personalities get in the way of my own life. You NEED to set these type of guidelines in order to find people who truly deserve you in their lives.
    And you’re not dating your friends, sure, but we all know that friendships deserve the same (if not MORE) TLC that we give romantic relationships.

    • http://thatswhatjesaid.com Je

      I did the EXACT same thing, Cari! Maybe it’s part of the steps of moving away alone to a new city. I couldn’t be more happy that I decided to cut those individuals out of my life for good. Life’s too short to keep friends who do nothing but make you feel bad. xoxo

    • http://thatswhatjesaid.com Jeanna

      I did the exact same thing, Cari! I wasn’t used to not having a huge group of friends and plans, that I surrounded myself with the COMPLETE wrong people who ended up hurting my feelings a lot, or who were people I just didn’t click with, or even like! I allowed myself to get walked on in ways I would have never allowed with friends back at home. I couldn’t be happier now that those people are out of my life and it was a big learning lesson for me! Maybe this is one of the steps everyone takes when they move away to new cities… I should write a guide. :)

  • http://sarahandstewart.blogspot.com/ Sarah Alway

    First off I love the photos you chose for this post. Second, I think your criteria are absolutely valid and it seems like you’ve put a lot of thought into it. 30 must be the magic number, because I’ve been doing a lot of the same type of thinking lately. As we get older our priorities change and our free time becomes more and more limited, and I’ve asked myself the question recently, “Is this person worth it?” I’m having a hard time with the fact that even though some people have been in my life for 10, 15, even 20 years, that’s not necessarily enough when I’m the only one consistently carrying the friendship. Friendships, like relationships, are a two-way street and each person has to put in an equal amount of effort to make it work. That being said, I think friendships can ebb and flow over time… you may be super duper close for a couple years and then for a while your lives don’t quite line up perfectly. But a true friendship will stand the test of time. “After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart… and if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.” :-)

    • http://thatswhatjesaid.com Jeanna

      When I read this, I teared up a little at that quote! Hahaha. And you’re totally right – friendships by length don’t necessarily mean they’re right for you now, at this time, in your life. Especially if they’re not treating you right. I’ve had to make one or two very, very difficult decisions on friendships like that. It’s even harder when you have a loooonnng history and so many fun memories with someone. But truth be told – people change. And you’re right – friendships are always in an ebb and flow, it’s interesting to me the people who have become super close to me because we shared a chapter of our life together (or were “on the same page”). You’re one of those nearest and dearest, Sarah! Our wild and crazy weird mid 20s! :D xoxo

  • Anna Sowa

    Oh, I always consider making new friends a form of non-sexual dating! As I get older, I’ve noticed that I’m making fewer “besties/soul sisters” and more acquaintances. My women friends are critical to my happiness, but getting married and falling into a parental role changes one’s social priorities. Now, my family life fills a need that a large friend group once did and new friends often become categorized: other parents, other married women who I can relate to, excellent cooks, book-clubbers, people with backyard pools, etc. :)