A little pat on my back

This week I’ve been nothing short of extremely frazzled.

See, I had a huge presentation yesterday that I’ve been up late every night and up early every morning, working on it, practicing it, losing sleep over anxiety and adrenaline, counting down the moments until 1 p.m. on Wednesday.

I have this HUGE fear of public speaking. It freakin’ sucks. And it’s super bizarre cause I am.not.shy – most would call me outgoing. But you put me in front of a group of people, and my mind reels; my hands sweat. I feel like I’m almost having an out-of-body experience, like my mouth keeps talking, but my mind is going, “OMG. OMG. OMG.”

I played the piano for 13 years. Each year, we’d have a big end-of-the-year concert with every student, and all their parents, grandparents, cousins and dogs. The worse thing about it is that the entire hall was silent, and when it was your turn, you had to walk up to the front, sit at the piano in silence while everyone was watching you, and try to squeeze out the damn song while your hands were so sweaty they were slipping off the keys. Even the SMALLEST sound and mistake would ring across the room.

I hated it. I think it’s probably 75% of why I quit taking classes. I don’t know if it’s my inSANE perfectionism, but the thought of screwing up in front of a crowd gives me the heebee jeebees. (How in the hell do you spell that anyway?) I think it started during my little jaunt with piano, and it’s continued throughout my entire life. I’ve been seriously thinking about taking a public speaking class lately – sort of a “face your fears” thing.

Long story short, I haven’t been able to think of anything but my presentation this week. Thankfully, it went amazing, and I rocked it. I don’t know what I was so worried about, but afterward I felt like a 50-pound bolder had been lifted from my mind. The clouds parted, the sea calmed, the birds sang…

…and I bought shoes.

Three pairs of them to be exact.

I guess I could call it my little celebration and gift to myself for a job well done.

(BTW, these shoes are only $20 after S&H on this site.)

Currently Feeling: A little woozy and exhausted. I’m really regretting those rather LARGE glasses of wine from last night. Oh well. A girl has to celebrate sometimes.
Currently Anticipating: The sushi-making and sake-tasting class tonight with Mike! I’m finally going to learn how to make sushi! (And check something off my Bucket List!)
Currently Needing: Yet another new book. The last one was so.good that I finished it in less than a week!

All I ask is for a G.D. pencil with my name on it

At the bottom of the rather large building I work in (56 floors, and I’m on the 53rd), there is a little tiny shop named Dimples. The owners are Korean and oh so friendly. The husband stands outside the doors of the shop at around 4:45 and says, “Goodnight!” to everyone who are walking to their cars or out to hit the streets for a bus or walk home. And every time I buy lunch there he asks, “What schweet would you like?” and I get to pick out either a York Peppermint patty or a mini box of Junior Mints. (Of course I go with the latter).

The store is what they call a “sundries” shop – a little bit of this, a little bit of that – two rows of greeting cards, a rack of wine and one for magazines, soups, Lean Cuisines, daily sandwiches and sushi, medicines, candy and little trinkets, which I suppose are there to grab in case it’s Secretary Day or someone’s birthday.

I usually run down there for the 3 p.m. snack attack – or to kill some time away from the good ole desk job. This week, I noticed a rack of personalized stickers for little boys and girls in the corner of the store. My IMMEDIATE reaction was to spin the rack and search for a set with my name on it. Or at best, something near my name. Or perhaps the first letter?

Nope. No such luck. Never in my life.

See, my mom gifted with one of those names that I could NEVER find on pencils, toothbrushes, note pads, stickers, or all those random other items that are personalized, and sitting on racks and taunting little kids cause it’s THE.COOLEST.THING.EVER to have a pencil in RAINBOW colors with your very OWN NAME on it.

I was never one of those kids, and it seriously always made me feel like the world wasn’t fair. I distinctly remember more than a handful of times, spinning those racks and wondering why they never put MY name on a key chain.

And here I am, 27 and still longing for fugly sparkly bear stickers, that are made AWESOME cause they’re PERSONALIZED. Although what the hec would I do with them, but even still, that little kid in me still wants them – still kinda feelin’ like the world isn’t fair.

What is that?

I think I’m going to start a company that makes personalized items for EVERY name in the baby book! It wouldn’t be a rack, it would be an ENTIRE AISLE of personalized rainbow pencils since I think there are approximately 489,650 names out there. But at least there wouldn’t be a little girl, searching through the pencils and feeling like the world left her out!

Currently Feeling: SO relieved today is over with. Time to celebrate!
Currently Anticipating: Drinks with the Bestie tonight.
Currently Loving: The May we’ve had in Seattle! The best I can remember in a long time.

What I wish I knew then, I guess I know now

Writing Prompt: If you could write a letter to your younger self, giving advice for troubles that will happen in the future, what would it look like? What would you say? Would the letter be funny, or would it be serious? (from Apricot Tea., check out her new project – Ask Apricot)

Dear Younger Self,

It’s me, Older Je. I’m here from the future, briefly, to tell you a few things you should grasp tight in your memory and not let go of. Tidbits of advice, if you will, to help tackle some stuff that you’ll find hard, a perspective on the things to come and a few words to still your mind. If I could be there with you then, this is what I’d tell you:

First and foremost – stop feeling bad in your skin. It’s you. The only body you’ll ever have; and it could be a lot worse. Let me tell you, every time you’ve felt squishy or pudgy or unlike the pretty girls in the magazines, I’ve looked back on pictures of you, and you looked like a million bucks. I only wish I could have that figure right now. I work every day to get it back. So dammit, put on a f*cking bathing suit in public and prance around. Kick your toes in sand. Bend over and pick up your beach towel without putting a T-shirt on. Look in a mirror and appreciate what your momma gave you.

Speaking of momma – try to let up a little. You’ll look back of some of the stuff you said and did to hurt her feelings, and it’ll sting. She’s great, and all she’s ever wanted in life is to be a fabulous mother, and your best friend. And while she might be a little hard on you (yes, I still agree Bs are not a bad thing and a midnight curfew blows), she molded you into what you’ll soon become – smart and independent. A lot of girls don’t get a supportive family. Appreciate that they love you so much they’re willing to push you, ask what you’re doing and punish you. It might feel like you’ll never agree, but trust me, she’s a great friend waiting in your future, and she’s worth it.

You know what’s not worth it though? Credit cards, a poor credit score and calling your parents to bail you out because you lost your job and can’t pay your bills, or living paycheck to paycheck and barely squeaking by. Or not being able to drive your car cause you spent your last $9 on Snickers ice cream and Oreos while drunk one night instead of gas to get to work. This one is easy – stop freakin’ spending. Stop it. Now. The eight sweater coats in every color and length that you couldn’t live without – they’ll be the ugliest thing you’ll see in a couple years, so you don’t need all of them. And that poncho. And those jelly sandals. And that suede Pocahontas-looking jacket. It’s all just material junk that you’ll look around at, unable to sell it for any sort of value, and wish you had all that money back to pay off your credit cards.

I know you’ve never been good at money – but you’ve always been good at friendships. Keep that up. Friends and your family – they are what matter – not the latest fashion, or 46 tubes of the shiniest lip gloss, or the car you can’t live without and the perfect vase for your living room. Just remember – there are a few of these people you’re going to lose too soon, and it’ll be hard to grasp or understand. So always return that phone call, and always visit when you feel you don’t have the time. Because you’re going to look back and wish you did.

And finally, I’m here from the future to tell you to stop worrying so much about me. Take it one day at a time. Here’s a tip – you’re not going to be married at 27. So chances are you’re not going to have your first kid at 30. And guess what; it’s all going to be okay. You’re not going to love your job, but you’re working toward smaller goals and you’re figuring it out. All the answer won’t be at your fingertips when you thought they would be, but you’re well on your way. You’ll discover that living in the moment is much more rewarding than always worrying about the future, so why not start that now? That job you felt like you’d never get – you’ll get it. So continue to sling coffee and live for free off your parents. You’ll never be that free of responsibility again. That relationship you thought would never come – life is full of love and being alone is some of the best times you’ll have to grow. So stop moping on the couch because you couldn’t find something to do for one night. Relax, take a breather and let it all just come, one day at a time…

Love,
Older Je

Je’s a REBEL, Vigilante

A text message conversation I just had with my boyfriend:

Him: Good morning. xoox have a good day.
Me: Ditto BF. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Him: That’s a lot

Hrm. My boyfriend is obviously aware of my rebellious proclivities. Dammit. I’ve been found out! I’m unsure if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing. Maybe there is a reason I was voted Biggest Rebel in high school. (An award that I don’t have hanging on my wall, for some strange reason. But something that still gives me a laugh to this day.)

What can I say, I find life a little more exciting with a little bit of danger and MISssstery.

I think I’ll make Greenday’s She’s a Rebel my new life lyrics:

She’s Je’s a rebel
She’s Je’s a saint
She’s Je’s salt of the earth
And she’s Je’s dangerous

She’s Je’s a rebel
Vigilante
Missing link on the brink
Of destruction

(!!!)

Currently Feeling: A little sore from the 30-Day Shred I did last night – the first time back on the wagon after a month of slacking! But Jillian Michaels makes me feel so great!
Currently Anticipating: BBQing it up on my new George Foreman outdoor bbq grill a little more this week. It works like a charm! I had corn on the cob for the first time since last summer – SO good!
Currently Reading: Hunting and Gathering by Anna Gavalda.

Bad luck in the Random Shiz That Goes On department

I have some serious bad luck in the Random Shiz That Goes On department.

I don’t think I’d consider myself a clumsy person – I don’t generally have a problem with dropping things, falling over, tripping, etc. But I do have a problem with little mishaps and sometimes I just do stupid shiz, so I guess I might be a little accident prone.

It appears as if I have to “initiate” myself into a new home with one of these little accidents before my body, mind and soul can feel comfortable there. It’s becoming a tradition.

For example, for those of you who are new readers, when I moved into my old apartment about two years ago, I came home after an all-nighter at the bars and accidentally knocked deodorant out of the cabinet above the toilet after flushing it, and it was SUCKED UP the freakin’ toilet. Full story is here. Can you believe that? How does that happen? So, for at least the first week, the toilet was out of order while my landlord called a plumber. The whole debacle cost me $75. For bumping something out of the GD cupboard. Anybody else and the deodorant would have probably just fallen to the ground. But oh no, me – well, for me, it has to actually be timed just perfectly to be sucked up the toilet, clog it and cost me a mighty large fee for a drunken stumble. Bad luck in the Random Shiz That Goes On department.

So, last week was my first week living in the sexy new place, and I was packing away with bated breath, waiting for me to do something stupid. I almost lost an entire 16 ounces of dark iced tea all over the white carpet while walking into my room on the first night – but I caught it at the last minute. Phew. Looks like I was going to escape being a retard* just this once.

The next evening I was making dinner and hanging some pictures in the kitchen (I’m an ultimate multitasker), so I go to pick up the hammer, and the edge catches the plastic container of nails and screws that I have, and the ENTIRE freakin’ container FALLS into the SINK with the GARBAGE DISPOSAL and at least 10 NAILS and other metal objects fall DOWN the disposal.

F*%#$@!

Now, because garbage disposals and gross food particles kinda give me the gag reflex, I told my roommate not to use it, put a plug over it and waited, sneakily for my boyfriend to come over a couple days later so I could ask him to fish out the nails for me, via the form of a “favor.”

Saturday morning I woke up and started off with, “I’ll make you breakfast if you do a favor for me.”

“Are you serious? Like what…” he eyes me warily. At this point, I’ve already enlisted him for moving my entire apartment, helping me break down and take out all the cardboard boxes, hanging items I can’t hang myself, storing a lot of my stuff I can’t fit at my place in his garage, and cleaning my old apartment. Some might say I’m running a slave relationship. I just say this is the reason why girls have boyfriends next to the fact that battery-operated items sometimes get old.

So I explain the nails to him, and he shakes his head, rolls up his sleeve and starts to fish around for NAILS and SCREWS in the garbage disposal. Of course, when I explained it to him, I just said, “a few.” I didn’t say “nearly the entire box.” So by screw number four and nail number eight, he was starting to get a bit frustrated with me. After about 40 minutes of fishing and a few scraped knuckles, he couldn’t see anymore, so we turned the disposal on.

RUUUHHH RUUHHHH SCUUUUUGG RUUH. zuuuuuu uuu uu u

The sucker stopped spinning. After further inspection, we still couldn’t find any more nails – so that means one is probably stuck somewhere we can’t reach, preventing it from spinning, and now I’ve broken the GD garbage disposal in week one and have to call my landlord to fix it.

The BF flicked off the switch, shook his head and looked at me.

I know exactly what he was thinking….

How in the HELL do you do this shiz?!

How?! I’ll tell you how – because I have BAD LUCK IN THE RANDOM SHIZ THAT GOES ON DEPARTMENT.

*I’m sorry if this term offends you. If it does, you should probably not read the blog. Hence the terms of my profile. Perhaps I should amend it to say, “I drink, fornicate and use the word retard a lot, therefore I’m not going to heaven.”

Currently Feeling: Jazzed up for the 30-day challenge I just enlisted myself in. Check it out!
Currently Anticipating: A dinner tonight to celebrate my Bestie’s one-year return to home, a boat festival and parade on the Seattle waterfront tomorrow in 66-degree weather (!!!) and a lovely Sunday planned for Mother’s Day, including brunch at a new spot in Ballard.
Currently Needing: Some really great summer/spring shoes.

Ah shiznit, I was caught….

…in a “tagged” meme. Dammit! Apparently I’m supposed to post a pic of me HERE and NOW. So, here’s my after-weekend, packing, cleaning, snacking and watching Desperate Housewives face, sans make-up, with extreme back pain, in a crappy Webcam pic! I match the wall in my apartment…I think I came out of the womb, matching.

Hrm, I’m only going to tag one person…Lily! I need to get back to wrapping glasses in newspaper, which is way too much fun to waste anymore minutes on the Interwebs. Happy last night before we go back to the sharks tomorrow!

-Je

A trinket from my memory shelf

This past weekend I headed up to Victoria B.C. for a friend’s bachelorette party, with a teeny stop along the way in my old college town to stay with a nearest and dearest friend on Friday night. I haven’t been back in more than a year – and haven’t stayed more than one night since I graduated four years ago. But, as soon as I drove around the Evergreen-lined bend of the freeway and saw the approaching exit sign with “Western Washington University” on it, my face stretched into a huge grin.

Bellingham has been deemed one of the best places to retire, and now that I look back – it was one of the best places to go to school. As I drove through the familiar streets on my way through the sleepy town, I, quite literally, took a trip down memory lane. I thought about all the bus rides I took to school, bumping people with my huge art portfolio that carried the naked sketches I’d managed to do without busting at the seams (a wrinkly penis from an 80-year-old man is really hard to look at for three hours without wanting to giggle). I remembered the party where I chipped my tooth, the night I accidentally left my friend in my trunk, the day I partook in festivities from 4:20 in the afternoon until 4:20 in the morning, and the afternoon I made out underneath a sleeping bag on the cliffs of Larrabee State Park. I remembered eating popcorn at The Beav and shaking my groove thang to 80s music and Journey at The 3-B. I thought about Belgium waffles and buffet breakfasts in the cafeteria, the house on the corner with bumper pool, a dozen pink roses on my birthday and holding hands in the park, Franzia wine in a box, and frantic mornings I spent at Kinko’s, printing out my graphic design projects after I stayed up more than 24 hours to finish them. I remembered drinking 40s on Thirsty Thursdays, walking through bars, searching for half empty pitchers left by people I didn’t know, interviewing bands, restaurant owners, mothers and graffiti artists for the school magazine, and painting my nails every day at the salon I worked at. As I drove, I thought a lot about laughter, a lot about friends and a lot about heartache.

“It’s hard because I have some of my best times here and some of my lowest,” my girl friend said as we drove together on our way back through the town after our girl’s weekend.

What is the expression – “nail on the head”? Yeah… that.

College was, well, amazing. There is no other time in my life that I’ll get to live in a community with thousands of people within three years of myself, start a life for the first time without parents, or have my only commitment be three hours of class a day. I will never get to skip work just because I want to watch The Price is Right. But, I also went through some bad roommates, losing a few good friends and a little bit of heartache.

I think life is a lot like trinkets on a shelf – there are parts of yourself that hold either a tiny memory, or a lot of memories, that are put up on a shelf and seldom thought about, until you take that trinket down for a minute, dust it off, rotate it in your palm, smile or feel sad, and then put it back and continue with your day…

For me college is one of my most cherished trinkets. When I take down my college life off the shelf and think about it for more than a fleeting second, I do occasionally get a twinge of sadness. But, for the most part it makes me grin so big that I can’t hold it in.

Those memories will be with me forever.

Currently Feeling: Twitterpated after our spaghetti dinner and cuddle under the covers date last night. After four days away, our reunion was quite nice.
Currently Anticipating: Finding a fancy new place to live, with a dishwasher and a washer and dryer! Imagine that.
Currently Needing: Something to knock me out for the plane ride to Mexico. I’m already getting nervous. I freakin’ hate flying with a red hot passion. When did I become so neurotic?!

Frozen peas blow

We interrupt this regular-scheduled programming to bring to you – in honor of one of the best drinking holidays out there, St. Patrick’s Day – all my favorite things that are GREEN.

• Broccoli! Hmm, mmm, mmm. I love me some broccoli! I think I eat it three times a week. My favorite is tossed with chopped walnuts, a splash of lemon juice and dashes of parmesan cheese. Try it!
• Money! I’m money-hungry bitches! Just jokin. But I do love to shop (just ask the receptionist who alerts me to my online packages being delivered, oh, about twice every week) – only made possible by those beautiful green backs.
• Turtles! My favorite animal! I love their little pin-prick noses!
• Mojitos! (Or the fresh mint in them). By far the best summertime drink ever. Although, if you’re a bartender, you probably hate them. My bartender friends always mean-mug me when I order them. I suppose it’s not fun to muddle.
• Post-It Notes! Those things are amazing, and all over my desk at work – er, they’re often green!
• Grass! Is there any better feeling than squishing your toes between soft green grass in the summertime?
• Frozen Peas! Just joking. Who am I kidding? Peas are disgusting. I just put that there to poke fun at my boyfriend because I think it’s weird that he eats frozen peas with his dinner.
• My Kelly-green pumps that I dropped into Lake Washington last summer! (This really is a story worth reading, I promise). I miss those bad boys every day. I think I now understand the meaning of “an affair with shoes.” Hello, lover.
• The rainforest! No not really; I’ve never been. But I think this blog post about the rainforest is hilarious and right on the money. Why, again, do we need to save the rainforest?
• Green peppers! I love anything spicy – green chilies, peppers, jalapenos – throw em in!
• Green tea! Since I’ve given up drinking coffee, this is my caffeine lifesaver!
• GREEN BEER! And drinking it! Whoop! Whoop!

Happy St. Patty’s Day!

Currently Feeling: Hyperactive and excited for this work day to be over!
Currently Anticipating: Corned beef and cabbage, and Guinness with Mike, Adam, Kate and Amanda!
Currently Loving: Yoga pants. I wish I could wear them every day of my life.

In limbo

The past two weekends, I’ve been out and about in a couple different bars in Seattle that I used to call my stomping grounds, but not so much anymore. Without being able to pinpoint when the exact transition happened, I found myself feeling a bit older than the crowds, a bit less likely to puke in the bathroom or knock over someone’s drink while stumbling by, a bit more likely to head home early so I can get up and jam out a workout or list of errands without feeling like death. I felt out of place in the singles scene – something I thrived in just a short year ago. I felt out of place in the 20-something scene – despite belonging to the club for another three years. In each bar, I looked around the room and thought to myself: getting old sucks.

I used to be the 22-year-old out with her group of stylish friends who made guys’ heads turn. I used to know bartenders, door guys and cocktail waitresses. I used to be able to post up at bars where I knew everyone and had all my drinks discounted. I felt like I owned the city – I could go out at a number of different bars in a number of different neighborhoods and see people I knew. I was a networking, friend-making, drinking and bar-scene machine.

But, that’s all tapered off. The thought of getting up in the morning to make it to work by 8 a.m. makes me want to stab my eyeballs out. Throw booze into that equation, and I’d be burning through my sick days faster than I could accumulate them. Read: I’m a sucker for going to sleep early on “school nights.” And, I feel like more often than not, I’m opting for one stay-in night and one party night on the weekends. When I go big both Friday and Saturday nights, I’m left feeling like I need a weekend from my weekend.

“I feel like just another face in the crowd,” I said to my boyfriend, after explaining all of this awkward “I’m not that girl anymore” stuff to him on our walk home from one of these said bars Saturday night. “You’re still cute. You stand out to me,” he responded.

Cute or not, I’m feeling a bit awkward these days. People say moving into your upper 20s, and eventually your 30s, is great. We’re supposed to be more financially stable, more sure of ourselves. I’ve been wondering when the pay-off happens because at 27, I’m feeling too old for some bars; okay with staying in, but depressed with the lull of life; financially semi-stable-but-a-lot-of-times-rocky; and generally a little unfulfilled.

I’m trying to find something else that fulfills me other than feeling like the center of attention in a bar – something a bit more healthy and sane. But the transition, the next “phase” of life, which most people my age are going through, is just another awkward room where I feel like I don’t belong. Marriage in my 20s is just not for me. Sometimes, I think back about all the ridiculous shenanigans and stories from my 20-something days of being out six or seven nights a week, and I feel like I was laughing and loving a whole lot more back then. Or at least saying to myself, “I LOOOOVE my life” a whole lot more.

I need to fall in love with my life again – the one where I’m staying in more often than I’m going out – I just don’t know how to do it.

Blogoversary rhymes with… nothing. But it sure is fun to say.

Today is my third blogoversary! Everyone join me in celebrating the end of three years – and the beginning of four. Wow. Three entire years of my life recorded – that’s a lot of writing. Keeping in tradition of birthday videos, I’ve created a birthday video for my blog. And yes, in case you were wondering, I do have a career in rap.

And here are a few of my favorite posts from the last year, for those of you who just started reading, or for those of you who care to be reminded:

March 20, “Say No to Hippies“

April 28, “The Day I Peed on a FEDERAL BUILDING“

July 7, “The First OG Gangsta to Go“

September 18, “A Text Message Conversation I Just Had with a Stranger“

October 8, “I Sat Next to a Gold Digger“

October 9, “Man-in-Uniform Syndrome“

November 25, “Hanky Panky“

December 16, “Like Cat Dander, Bee Stings and Peanuts“

December 31, “This Year’s Love Had Better Last” (For the video recap I did of 2008).

January 9, “An Open-Ended Letter to an Important Part of My Future“

January 20, “Mama’s Gotta Eat a Cheeseburger, Officially“

Feburary 6, “Two Tickets to the Butt Show“

February 10, “My Life List – 100 Things I Want to Do Before I Die“

February 23, “Portrait of a Seven-Year Gap“

Currently Feeling: Addicted to Lean Cuisine barbecue chicken pizzas.
Currently Anticipating: A steak dinner and some TV.
Currently Watching: The Millionaire Matchmaker – most of these guys are the biggest douches.