An Update on Project Love

A "LOVE" bracelet I received in the mail from a friend

I wrote on Valentine’s Day this year about how my word for the year is LOVE and how I’m starting Project Love in 2012.

To remind you, my goals of Project Love are to:

1. Let LOVE back into my life, not only how I’m showing love, but most importantly how I’m finding it
2. LOVE my body more – think positively about what I love about my body and fuel it with the love of healthy food and working out
3. LOVE strangers more through smiling at those I pass on the streets instead of adverting my eyes
4. LOVE my friends and family from afar through handwritten letters instead of texts, phone calls instead of emails and random acts of kindess to surprise them

I know I’ve been silent about where I’m at with all of it, and don’t think it’s because I haven’t been focusing on LOVE. Quite just the opposite, actually.

Before I update you on the matters of my heart, I’ll start with letting you know that I’m loving myself, and my body, a lot more these days (which was one of my top LOVE goals, this year). My intense “clean diet, feet on the street, less drinking” lifestyle change has gifted me back the figure I felt was missing since at least 28. Just last week I zipped up my skinny skinny jeans and favorite white pants I haven’t worn in years. (!!!) With that confidence boost, I feel like I’m flirting more and feeling a bit more “sexy” again…

Read the rest of this entry »

Going Out then vs now

“I better explain what the concept of “going out” with someone meant back then, because time has changed it. I was talking recently to a woman friend whose daughter had come to her in a state of distress. She was in her second term at university, and had been sleeping with a boy who had – openly, and to her knowledge – been sleeping with several other girls at the same time. What he was doing was auditioning them all before deciding which to “go out” with. The daughter was upset, not so much by the system – though she half-perceived its injustice – as by the fact that she hadn’t been the one finally chosen.

This made me feel like a survivor from some antique, bypassed culture whose members were still using carved turnips as a from of monetary exchange. Back in “my day” – though I didn’t claim ownership of it at the time, still less do I now – this is what used to happen: you met a girl, you were attracted to her, you tried to ingratiate yourself, you would invite her to a couple of social events – for instance, the pub – then ask her out on her own, then again, and after a good-night kiss of variable heat, you were somehow, officially, “going out” with her.”

Only when you were semi-publicly committed did you discover what her sexual policy might be.

– an excerpt from The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes, Winner of the 2011 Man Booker Prize 

Currently Feeling: Excited about a silly new idea I have (hope to launch it in two months)!
Currently Anticipating: Thursday night shenanigans in the City tonight with Jess. I’m thinking black heels and red lipstick will come out to play.
Currently Needing: To slow my pace a bit. Hoping next week will be more low key.

On Love

I’ve been building this post on love in my head since the New Year, so I thought it appropriate to share it with you on Valentine’s Day – a day we’re all thinking about love. I always try to shape each year around goals, bucket lists and intentions (my three mantras in life). This year, I’ve selected and shared my goals and bucket list items with you, but I haven’t shared my intention. I put a lot of shower time, driving time, lying in bed time and general quiet time thoughts into what I wanted to shape my 2012 intention around, and that word for me is LOVE.

I haven’t talked about love and dating on my blog in awhile even though it used to be a large part of sharing my life online through writing. Part of it is me trying to keep that part of my life more personal, and another part of it is a lack of energy or focus on love in my life for a long time. But if I want love to permeate my life this year, it needs to come out. Come out from the dark corners and shadows and live in the forefront and in the light.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about love and what it means to me because I want my year to all-encompass love, not just romantically. I want to love strangers more and plan to do this through trying to smile at everyone I see in passing that I might not know. I want to love my friends and family from afar, and have thought about ways I can do this through handwritten letters instead of texts, phone calls instead of emails and random acts of kindess to surprise them. I want to love my body more – think positively about what I love about my body, fuel it with the love of healthy food and working out and treat it like it’s something I love and want around forever.

And yes, I want to find love again and someone to share this feeling with mutually in happiness and equality, perhaps for eternity.

I’ve only truly been in love once in my life. The twitterpated, glowing, dreamy in love that every girl hopes and wishes to have for the rest of her life (or at least at some point). It happened once, and it was fabulous. And it was painful. But out of it grew a great friendship and also who I am today: a strong, independent woman, but one who might also be a bit afraid to get hurt again and a bit picky because she knows what that love felt like in her past.

I’ve been thinking about that past love a bit more these days – the heart is a lonely hunter. I want to feel that love again.

Throughout my 20s, I’ve buried most of my thoughts about and desires for love. I’ve focused on only dating casually and getting to know myself. I’ve put love on the back burner to focus on friendships, health and the big one: my career. Love has been a past hobby I’d lost interest in, an argument I’ve forgotten about, a friend I’ve let pass out of my life… a phone call I haven’t wanted to return.

In my 30s, I want to let love back in. 2012 is the year I’m reenergizing, rekindling, forgiving and returning LOVE‘s phone call.

I plan on sharing with you my Project Love details here throughout 2012 (and beyond) … the ways I’m letting love back in, how I’m showing love, and most importantly how I’m finding it.

Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years.

Currently Feeling: Really excited to start a new professional project with a FUN event-based startup in SF. Details soon!
Currently Anticipating: A new weekly “health day” with some girl friends – walks and healthy dinners.
Currently Reading: The Art of Hearing Heartbeats by Jan-Philipp Sendker

Expensive heels and priceless moments

• $24.95 for a cobalt blue, tafetta strapless dress (Forever 21)
• $5.50 for a rhinestone belt (Forever 21)
• $9.50 for a crystal and rhinestone flower ring (Wet Seal)
• $7.50 for silver, rhinestone dangle earrings (Forever 21)
• $2.50 for gold and silver glitter, coconut-scented nailpolish (Forever 21)
• $89 for the most fabulous pair of Enzo Angiolini gold platform, disco glitter heels (Nordstroms)

Le Sigh

• $35 + $7 tip to get my hair curled and styled at Habitude Salon in Fremont (they did a great job)
• $28 for a custom airbrush tan from Tropical Tan (seriously, once you go airbrush, you’ll never go back)
• $10 for a bottle of Chateau St. Michelle Sauvignon Blanc for prefunking (Sav Blanc is my all-time fav white wine)
• $65 for tickets to a silly expensive party at a waterfront cruise terminal event center in Seattle, featuring Jermaine Duprie (Ha!)
• $15 for town car trips to the party and back
• $18 for two whipped cream vodkas and soda water + $3 for a bottle of water (I drank a lot before the party)

= The most ridiculously overpriced evening of my entire life

Not paying a single dime to hear a crush of mine tell me sometime after midnight that “I’m good at life”?

PRICELESS.

Currently Feeling: In love with new restaurants and wine. I’ve been trying to be good and tone down the meals out, but I tried Ravish in the Eastlake neighborhood of Seattle tonight, and it was FABULOUS. Worth every calorie.
Currently Anticipating: First Thursday Art Walk in Pioneer Square tomorrow with my family to celebrate my dad’s birthday.
Currently Reading: The Hangman’s Daughter by Oliver Potzsch. (Only $3.99 for the Kindle!)

Girls are like apples on trees

I joined 2010 today (or shall I say 2005) and signed up for a StumbleUpon account… who knows why it took me so long to jump on that social band wagon since I’m on every other.

I clicked Stumble on a blog I was reading, and was brought to this cute little image:

It’s a bit more bitter than I really feel, but I do relate…

Sometimes I feel, even at nearly 29, that the boys I interact with are still interested in young girls, hot girls, party girls. At what point do I start meeting the guys who want the smart, driven, successful girl? With hobbies outside of bar-hopping (or perhaps I should say in addition to) and similar interests. Cause that’s me now more than the former. But we’re a little tougher to snag than the low-hanging fruit…

Currently Feeling: Freaked out from watching Psychic Children – this show gives me goosebumps!
Currently Anticipating: Catching up with Kristen tomorrow over dinner and a walk.
Currently Loving: My new yummy, pink Voluspa candle in Panjore Lychee.

Since I’ve been gone…

I’ve been fluttering around this town (and others) in a state of independence, slowly spinning and spinning into a place where independence starts to feel like a whole, and dependence starts as an itch, slowly creeping into my brain here and there.

I danced under the streetlamps and in front of a fan on high, trying desperately to beat the heat – to beats from a main stage, rock music filling the streets of Seattle.

I learned to hail cabs in New York City, danced until my feet hurt, spent 1 a.m. in Times Square trying to find myself on the jumbo screen, walked the spirals up Frank Loyd Wright’s Guggenheim Museum, sat under a tree by myself in Central Park and secretly stole pictures of couples lying on blankets kissing cause it was all too damn cute and reminded me of a place I was once at.

I picnicked and barbecued at the beach, watched the sun set, and found a new love for hippie reggae beats, which now follows me in headphones to work every week as I walk underneath the shadows of buildings downtown, discovering that there really is no better way to start your day than with a walk in sunshine and no better way to end it than in a bathing suit, people watching at the park.

I rocked a review, scored a raise, and successfully pulled together a conference and a local tech event that I planned all by myself – all while floating rivers and roasting marshmallows over a campfire on the weekends. I’ve let go of summer traditions in the past, and created my own traditions that include just me this time, and some with new friends.

I grilled salmon, churned strawberry frozen yogurt made from scratch, and picked tomatoes and basil from my garden in large quantities. I indulged in quail, rabbit with plum sauce, pork belly buns, watermelon gazpacho, German chocolate cake, and a few birthday cakes too. I enjoyed too many dinners with girls, happy hours on patios, and wine tasting that I care to admit.

I had a closure dinner with an ex, talking over months gone past as if nothing had ever changed, except one very important detail.

I’m independent now.

And underneath it all, I’m healing and the itch of dependence - of someone and something that makes me smile, laugh and want to hold hands and spend all my time with – is starting to take shape again.

And I might have even found someone I want it to take shape with.

Currently Feeling: So strange this week – tired, out of it. Is it the full moon?
Currently Anticipating: A bevy of trips coming up (and possibly a BIG one). Stay tuned for details.
Currently Reading: Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger.

Capital H Double Capital Ms

//via Flickr

A couple weeks ago, I was out with some of my guy friends, drinking brewskies at The Polish House on Capitol Hill. (If you’re from Seattle and haven’t been, it’s a community center that opens on Fridays only as an Polish beer hall and restaurant. Totally awesome, I know). I can’t remember what exactly the topic at hand was, but one of them asked me something along the lines of:

“Is that when/where you’re going to meet the guy you’re going to marry?”

And I promptly responded:

“Oh, I’ve already met him.”

Mostly, I was joking. Perhaps referencing some crush, acquaintance or old boyfriend worth rekindling a romance with. But later (as in, the type of thing you think about in the shower), I was thinking… WOW. I said that so fast and confidently I even surprised myself. And even weirder… what if it were true?

What if I’ve already met the guy I might share a mortgage or shop for garden gnomes with (because who doesn’t want one of those someday). Who I’ll argue over baby names, or what type of family dog we’ll buy and what we’ll name him. The man I’ll sit next to when we decide whether to dine in or dine out, whose family we’re going to spend Christmas with this year, what school we’re going to send our children to, or when it’s appropriate to talk to them about religion and politics, before they can form their own opinion.. Who I’ll decided between Bali vs. Greece for our honeymoon with, and red paint or blue paint for the kitchen (and where he’s going to let me sneak in some pink ).

It’s strange to think about those things. I suppose those are the things I equate with marrying someone one day.

It’s even stranger to think I might have already met Him. Capital H.

That perhaps he’s someone whose eye I caught on the bus, whose hand I shook at a networking event, or who I ran a 5K next to.

Who poured me a glass of wine one time, served nachos to me at my local bar, or sat next in the booth next to mine at trivia night.

Maybe it’s even someone I’ve known and laughed with before – for years. How ’bout that.

Maybe he’s someone I’ve laughed with for five minutes.

Hell, maybe he just made me laugh.

See – life is crazy. You never know who is going to be in yours for 5 minutes, 5 years or 50. Friends and acquaintances come and go – loves fizzle and rekindle every day. So many girls worry daily that they haven’t met “The Man They’re Going to Marry.” Double capital Ms. H.E.Double hockey sticks.

Isn’t it much easier, dare I say much HAPPIER, to not feel like you’re going in and out, every day, in search of something you can’t find or can’t have? Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just wake up every day and take it work hour by work hour, Sunday morning by Sunday morning, happy hour by happy hour – in no rush for any particular moment you feel you’re missing because someday IT.WILL.COME?

There wouldn’t be a need to try too hard, wear too much makeup, laugh a little too loud, stay out too late when you’d rather go home, just to make sure you’re not missing out on meeting Capital H. Double Capital Ms.

Really… there’s no need, see. You already met him. And some day, when it’s time, the universe will open up with a drink and a smile. And all the fussing wouldn’t have been worth it in the first place.

Cause Capital H. Double Capital Ms had been there all along.

Currently Feeling: Antsy for the four day weekend – hello Memorial Day weekend, the kick-off to awesome Seattle summers.
Currently Anticipating: Me + 13 friends in a cabin with a hot tub and barbecue on the lake. Perfection.
Currently Wondering: If I should try out the 30 day yoga challenge in June – decisions!

A nice smile just might do it

This weekend I finally got around to watching “Up In the Air.” Super great movie. I like the kind of movies that make you think…about life and love. The pursuit of happiness or lack there of. One scene in the movie was absolutely brilliant, a dialogue touching on the “American Girl’s Dream” – a husband, house, two point five kids and a car – a dream that I once entertained too, then realized there’s about 20 more years of livin’ I need to do.

In the scene, 23-year-old Natalie, is talking to Ryan (George Clooney) and Alex (Vera Farmiga), both of whom are 34+, single and married to their jobs, right after her boyfriend and hoped-for future husband broke up with her.

Natalie: I thought I’d be engaged by now (no offense).
Alex and Ryan: No. None taken.
Natalie: When I was 16, I thought by 23 I’d be married, maybe have a kid, corner office by day, entertaining at night. I was supposed to be driving a Grand Cherokee by now.
Alex: Life can underwhelm you that way.
Natalie: Um, where did you think you’d be, by um… (nods at her, not knowing her age)
Alex: Well, uh…it doesn’t work that way.
Ryan: No…at a certain point, you stop with the deadlines.
Alex: They can be a little counterproductive.
Natalie: I don’t want to say anything that’s anti feminist. I really appreciate that your generation did for me.
Alex: It was our pleasure.
Natalie: But sometimes it feels like no matter how much success I have, it’s not gonna matter until I find the right guy.
Alex: You really thought this guy was the one?
Natalie: I coulda made it work. He really fit the bill, yah know.
Ryan: The bill?
Natalie: White collar. College grad. Loves dogs, likes funny movies. Six foot one. Brown hair. Kind eyes. Works in finance, but is outdoorsy, ya know, on the weekends. I always imagined he’d had a single-syllable name. Like um, Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world he drives a Four Runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his Golden Lab.

And a nice smile.

How about you?
Alex: Let me think, uh… by the time you’re 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. Well, you secretly pray that he’ll be taller than you.

Um, not an asshole would be nice. Just someone who enjoys my company and comes from a good family. You don’t think about that when you’re younger. Oh and someone who wants kids…likes kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Oh and, please, let him earn more money than I do. You might not understand that now. But believe me, you will one day. Otherwise that’s a recipe for disaster.

And hopefully some hair on his head. But I mean, even that’s not a deal breaker these days.

And a nice smile. Yeah… a nice smile. A nice smile just might do it.

I loved everything about this scene… how Ryan says, “At some point you just stop with the deadlines.” How Natalie rattles off her “bill” of what a perfect guy would be (because how ridiculous are long lists of all the insignificant qualities your “future partner” should have). How both women mention that really, at the end of the day, they’re both just looking for a smile.

I could have been Natalie at one point. Probably was, although it’s weird for me to think back on that Jeanna.

I had a friend once who told me that every single one of his girlfriends have wanted to marry him. I don’t know what it is… but I think us girls are trained to look at every guy, or love, or relationship or boyfriend, as the future father of children. That in college, I didn’t really know what to do, or how to think of myself as single too far past graduation. You grow up hearing stories of all the people who married their college sweetheart. So you think that’s just going to be you some day, naturally. And if it’s not him, then it’ll be the next serious relationship. Or the next.

That used to be me. Until I figured out that was neither attractive, productive nor realistic.

And while I’m not all the way an Alex, it’s closer to reality for me. I don’t want to live my life by deadlines. I don’t want to feel like I need to accomplish anything by a certain age or time, and if I don’t, I’ll be lonely, or left out, or missing something. Now that’s counterproductive.

At the end of the day, I just want to find someone – or something - that makes me smile.

Currently Feeling: Excited for my mom and dad’s new family business plan that we came up with over wine tasting today… add a little wine into anything to make dreams big and beautiful.
Currently Anticipating: A full week of exercise… bootcamp, kickball and a belly class. Time to get serious – I have a cabin weekend in Lake Chelan to plan for because I’m not taking off my bathing suit for four days.
Currently Loving: The sisterly time I had this weekend – happy hour, a sleepover with pizza, breakfast, shopping – having a sister is seriously the best.

Love makes the world go ’round

For one reason or the other, (* queue creepy Brittany Murphy voice* I’ll never tell…) I changed my G-Chat status last week to “I think I’m in love.”

From which I was HOUNDED. Good lord.

It started with an e-mail:

“In love? Really?”

Then from there, no less than 10 of my G-Chat friends… even some really random ones (and professional contacts)… asked me what/who I was in love with.

I even got:

“In love? Did you get an iPad?!”

BWHAHA!

No iPad.

No, I’m not really in love.

But I learned that people can.not.stand cryptic or vague messages. Curiosity killed the cat!

And now I just made all of YOU terribly interested in knowing what I’m in love with.

Neener. Neener.

Currently Feeling: IN LOVE with fleece pants and unwashed hooded sweatshirts – it went from spring breeze to freeze in Seattle!
Currently Loving: My new kickball team – we came back after being down 11-0 last night to tie it in the last inning! Booyah.
Currently Working On: My 2010 goal list – which is now posted!

Neither here, nor there

Right now, as we *speak,* I’m sitting in my office, with just the light of a lamp and the glowing offices of the buildings across the street from mine in downtown Seattle. The office is void of people (which, actually, doesn’t happen quite that often in a tech startup. Usually there are developers working way past the time I leave). It’s eerie quiet. Here I am, all by my lonesome, eating a peanut chicken Lean Cuisine in front of my computer, at my desk, at 7 o’clock at night.

Ooh buddy, does that ever sound sexy.

I have to tell you, in the split second I realized all of this – I instantly felt compelled to write about it. (Maybe my three-month writer’s block/lack of time to write is starting to wan). See, I had one of those, “OH.MY.GOD.THIS.IS.MY.LIFE.” moments.

I know you’ve had them.

Like, what if this is just the beginning of me turning into the 45-year-old, lonely workaholic who can’t find a husband and doesn’t have children, even though she wants them, because she works too much and has always put success before love?! I saw myself as Scrooge, flying through the night in my pajamas (hopefully I put on underwear this time), having the Ghost of Christmas past hovering over my desk, looking down and saying, “See Je. This is the moment where you decided you’d rather just stay and work late, eating at your desk, so you could get more checked off your list. And then it was all downhill from there.”

Enter image of cats circling your body and licking your face after you choked on a chicken bone by yourself in your fancy condo (at least that’s a plus), with no one around to save you.

Recently, I made a pretty big life change that I have yet to talk about here, nor will I probably say much. But I am single again, deciding first and foremost that I wanted to concentrate on myself and my career, among a few other personal reasons. That I didn’t have time for someone else anymore. That I’ve been doing too many things at 75% and not a smaller list of items at 100%. For me, the easier decision at the moment has been to move forward without one of those time-consuming items – a relationship.

I find myself with more time to work late without feeling guilty or giving excuses, or missing out on plans, or stressing because I’d rather just feel better about my workload by, well, working.

I’m not saying that all of this, at 28, will lead me to a life of loneliness. I am, for the most part, exaggerating since any other night but tonight I’d be at a wine event, or happy hour, or out with friends, or at a networking event. But being alone, at an age I would consider too late in life, is a scary thought. I feel like my worlds are splitting into two sets of people the closer I edge toward 30. There are those who cannot wait to get married, settle down and start a family. I have friends who are actually planning on the days, months, year they want to get pregnant. That’s SO exciting for them. I don’t know what it’s like to share a life with someone, to the extent of planning children, but I bet it’s such an amazing time in life, and I’m thrilled to share their happiness with them. Please believe me when I say I’m not here to judge that choice, nor to say I’m making a better decision in life. Or that you can’t have career success while in a marriage.

It’s just not where I’m at. I can’t exactly say that I’ve never been the girl who dreamed about babies or marriage, or what my wedding colors were going to be. Perhaps I was… but now, I’m too far away to remember what used to be important. I only remember what is important now. And it’s not Princess cuts, suburbs, or hitting some life moment I told myself at 13 I’d do before I was 30. Unfortunately, it creates a bit of divide sometimes with old friends – those who are ready to settle down into a certain lifestyle, and those who aren’t. I supposed we’ll start to have less and less in common until I decide that’s what I want too. Or it catches me by surprise (which what I hear happens). In the meantime, I’m neither here (at the gates of complete career success) or there (ready to get married).

So, I guess it’s a few more peanut chicken Lean Cuisines at my desk, by myself, at 7 o’clock at night.

I’ll just make sure it’s *boneless* chicken.

Currently Feeling: Ready for that Chardonnay at home in my fridge.
Currently Anticipating: A birthday party tomorrow after Seattle Startup Drinks, and a big ole “gold and silver” house party on Saturday after a sushi Tweet Up!
Currently Loving: Planning for SXSW. Looks like I’ll be going to the music festival for work. Zing!