We all need someone we can leeeaan on, and if you want, you can lean on me

Last week, I spent a considerable amount of time with one of my guy friends, partying away his recent sorrows over the break-up with his live-in girlfriend of three years. I needed someone to entertain me; he needed a shoulder to cry on. We were a perfect match.

Sometimes, it seems really hard to be a guy. They bottle everything up, and rarely have the outlet that girls have – a constant shoulder to cry on, the invite to always talk about relationships, love, sex, fights, break-ups and make-ups. When I have relationship problems, I usually just bounce from friend to friend, talking about what bothers me. Each girl friend makes me feel better in a different way and tells me the things I need to hear, until I can feel whole again. Guys don’t always have that support system.

So I nodded, asked questions when I needed to and mostly just let him talk. Some of the things he was saying hit home in a huge way. Break-ups are so painful. No matter if you’re male, female, tall, vertically challenged, pretty or beat with an ugly stick. It’s almost overwhelming when you’re in the midst of a relationship – even if it feels so far away from the breaking point – it’s scary to think about being there again. I guess it’s a leap we all take by giving our heart to someone.

“It’s like we’re total strangers,” he said.

I groaned. “That is the.worst,” I responded. And boy did I mean it. Is there anything crappier than feeling like the person you’ve spent 900 plus days with feels like a stranger on the street? The person who has listened to you vent over coworkers, made you waffles in the morning before you’re even half awake, given you butterfly kisses and shared inside jokes with you that no one would ever understand. The person who is half of your happiest memories, your biggest laughter, the photos that make you smile, the vacations that make you reminisce. Someone you’ve shared your ups and downs with – death of family members and family pets or graduations and promotions at work. And then POOF. Something happens when you break up, and you’re left mumbling responses that don’t mean anything, avoiding each other, keeping secrets, averting eyes and treating each other like you’re not two people in the world who know each other best.

It’s just so sad. And as hard as it is to listen to, and as much as it dredges up a million painful feelings in my past, I’d do it 100 times over for anyone of my friends. Sometimes, we all need someone who we can relate to or a shoulder to cry on.

“Thank you. I just wanted to let you know that our friendship means a lot to me,” he sent the next day in an e-mail.

Tell me that doesn’t make it all worth it.

Currently Feeling: Short on time even though I’m not working?! I need to prioritize my days better.
Currently Anticipating: Attempt number two at date night for The Hangover tomorrow.
Currently Loving: Scrambles in the A.M. with chives, cheese, ham and mushrooms, and a side of cottage cheese and peaches. So healthy and yummy!

Swapping blog spit

[Today is the day for Twenty-Something Bloggers fourth annual blogswap. I know I've been doing a lot of guest posts, giveaways and other things that have deferred from the regular scheduled programing, so after this, I will be returning to the norm for awhile and get back to my basics.

For the blogswap, I was paired with the lovely 20-year-old James, who lives in England and writes for his blog, Jeimusu-kun. James needs to know, from the plethora of lovely ladies here, your opinion on flowers on the first date. Be so kind to offer up your advice to him. The man could use some of your lady opinions.

I was sure to give my dating advice to James - for my blogswap post, I shared a very important lesson I learned while dating Old Balls, aka The Brit, aka the British 35-year-old. Be sure to check it out!]

So, typically, I’m writing this drunk at 3:15am on the day it’s due. I feel I’ve earned the right to this however – dissertation all handed in and whatnot.

Anyway, I thought I’d give a guy’s perspective on dating. Well, I would, except most guys are assholes. I’ll admit this – most are the biggest hypocrites I’ve ever seen; they’ll moan about how girls cheat on them and fuck them around, and then do precisely that to other girls. Vicious cycle ensues.

I’ve always tried my hardest to avoid that. I’ve slipped up a couple of times, I will admit – but by the whole one of my aims in life is to not be one of those guys.

One night, fairly recently, I was a bit drunk and actually mustered up the confidence to ask a girl if I could buy her a drink. Disclaimer: I wasn’t trying to get in her pants; I merely thought it would be a good way to initiate conversation. Surprise surprise, she thought I was trying to get in her pants. This is the real problem of the assholes: they act like nice guys to get laid and then all the girls thus get suspicious of the genuinely nice guys as they think they’re just out for sex. Vicious cycle ensues. I need to stop using that phrase.

Anyway. Why I’m exactly complaining is beyond me, seeing as I ended up making out with the girl in question (who is very pretty) and am taking her out to dinner next week. Score.

Anyway, I’m obviously out to impress – I’m thinking, turn up at hers (on time, preferably), give her a nice lily from a proper florist wrapped in some greens (yes, I actually sought out advice for this, shock horror), walk her in, keep the conversation flowing and off volatile subjects i.e. past relationships, politics, etc., offer to pay, walk her home, and kiss her goodnight if all’s gone well.

Interestingly, I’ve had an incredibly varied amount of feedback regarding this. Some say only take one flower, some say none at all, some say don’t pay. Well, why the hell not? It’s a gesture of kindness, surely – anyone who knows me in the slightest knows I’m not remarkably sexist in any way. I was brought up with manners and I don’t see why I should be discouraged from using those. I’m interested in this girl and surely being a gentleman is a good way to show that?

Especially seeing as I’m out to differentiate myself from all the users and cheaters and liars out there.

The few, the strong, the braaaave

[If you haven’t already, please enter my blog giveaway for five copies of Thanks for Coming: One Young Woman’s Quest for an Orgasm. Contest closes Friday.]

When I first met my boyfriend, a little over a year and a half ago, he was a commercial fisherman in Dutch Harbor, Alaska. Yes, like Deadliest Catch. It’s a running joke between us because every time it has casually come up in a group conversation, someone will go, “OHMYGOD. Like the DEADLIEST CATCH. That is SO SCARY/cool/dangerous/insert adjective here!” which I usually laughed at and rolled my eyes while he answered all their questions. I had never seen the Deadliest Catch and could never really commiserate with them, even though it was my boyfriend they were talking about, and I probably should have been able to say something like, “Oh my God, I KNOW. He’s so strong, brave and amazing.”

When I met him, I knew that commercial fisherman made a lot of money, but I could only focus on how it meant he was gone six months out of the year doing what some will deem the “most dangerous profession.” He left two months after we met each other, and we decided to do the long distance thing even though we were barely official. But, this wasn’t just any long-distance relationship; this was three months with only a two minute, choppy phone call once a week via satellite phone. One time, he didn’t get to call me for two weeks solid and I was sure he had died – swallowed up by the waves of the Bering Sea.

To say it sucked is an understatement. Luckily, he had made the decision to quit before I met him, so the three-month trip we endured was his last. And since, it’s been really hard for him to let go of. It was a profession that he and others respected, and one he was good at. It was a lifestyle and a community he became a part of for five years of his life. It made him feel accomplished and manly and proud. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I think a small part of him died when he decided it was something he couldn’t do anymore for other personal reasons, even though his decision brought me a huge sense of relief. I couldn’t imagine myself the other half of someone who was only home six months a year. I imagined myself a lonely and widowed wife of a fisherman. Uh, no thanks. So while he’s longed for it sometimes, I’ve told him he needed to move on. Oftentimes not so nicely. I recognized the way he felt about fishing, but I didn’t really understand it.

This last year or so of our relationship has occasionally been peppered with reminders of his past boat life – he’ll point out ships in the Seattle harbor that were fishing boats he delivered catches to; he’ll make a reference to “boat lore” or superstitions they used to follow; I’ll tease him about a particularly worn-out and stained pair of socks or underwear, and he’ll say, “They’re boat socks! I need to do laundry;” or I’ll often poke fun at him when he wears his sweatshirt around the house that says, “Bering Sea Fisherman: The few, the strong, the brave.”

“The FEW. The STRONG. The BRAAAAVE,” I’ll say in a deep, dramatic breathy voice, and make a face like this:

(I’m such a jerk).

“Shut up,” he’ll throw back.

Being a fisherman is a part of him. It makes up the DNA of his past, whether or not I understand it or ever will. So although I might have inwardly groaned last night when he asked if we could watch the season opener of Deadliest Catch, I agreed. I guess I decided to unravel one more strand of that DNA.

And I’m really glad I did.

For maybe one of the first times ever in our relationship, I felt totally engrossed in something HE was teaching ME. A part of him that I knew nothing about. I asked him hurried questions – I couldn’t get them out fast enough.

“What’s a skipper??? I mean, besides Barbie’s little sister…, ha ha” (I like to laugh at my own jokes frequently).

“A captain. The captain of the boat,” he answered.

“Why do they have zinc on the bottom of the boat? Do all boats have that?!”

“Yes. The salt from the salt water attacks the zinc instead of the boat so it doesn’t erode.”

I watched as they baited the crab pots, dropped them, and pulled them up, searching for Dungeness crab. And he patiently explained every detail I wanted to know. As I watched the show, totally engrossed, I kept glancing at him and I could see the excitement in his eyes. The knowledge. The longing. The manliness. Rawr. I finally understood the magnitude of this profession. The magnitude of what it meant to him. It was almost, for an overly dramatic effect, like watching a caged animal in their natural habitat. I don’t know that I’d seen him quite like this before.

Anyway, it a special moment for me. In day to day life, there are very few moments when we are in total awe of our significant other. So when it happens, I feel it should be grasped onto and remembered, so the next time someone says, “OHMYGOD. Like the DEADLIEST CATCH. That is SO SCARY/cool/dangerous/insert adjective here,” I won’t roll my eyes. I’ll say,

“I know.”

Currently Feeling: Like I have the worst back pain in the world. I can barely sit at my desk or breathe. What the hell?
Currently Anticipating: Viewing this apartment tonight that I think is PERFECT. I’m so anxious that someone else is going to snag it!
Currently Needing: Drugs. Lots of drugs. And some Bestie Amanda time.

This is why I love him

Keeping in tune with the title of my blog…

Last night the BF and I were finishing off our very, very expensive jug of pinot grigio (expensive wine is the only way we roll, yo!). Also, in case you were wondering, very expensive wines only come in jugs. Or boxes. Do it.

Anyway, I couldn’t get the effin cork to fit into the bottle.

I got all worked up, made a commotion and screeched, “It’s too tight of a fit!”

“That’s what she said,” he fired back.

After which I snorted, rolled around on the couch and high-fived him and all his geniousness.

God that joke never gets old.

Currently Feeling: Pretty guilty for all the slacking I’ve done this week.
Currently Anticipating: Burton sample sale tonight to score some new luggage for the trip and an 8 o’clock showing of “Monsters vs. Aliens,” out on the town tomorrow and haircut Saturday!
Currently Needing: Plant killer. Lots of it.

If you talk books with me, I might love you forever

Every month or so, I seem to get a request from a friend for a book recommendation. I think they all know I’m an obsessive reader (perhaps the gigantic color-coordinated bookshelf was an indication). I always try to rattle a few off with very animated, circular arm motions of HOW.much.I.LOVE.this.book, or direct them to my Facebook weRead page. So, I decided I’d share some books on my blog and just direct people here, but after sitting down to write out an uber long list of reviews, I discovered I could link my entire weRead list now in my blog’s sidebar. This is quite good news because I have approximately 100 books in there that I’ve rated, reviewed and kept updated, and I’m a big fan of “not reinventing the wheel.” So feel free to peruse via the “View All” button.

And – in perfect timing for book reading news. I just received an email from someone at Harper Collins via my old dating blog over at the Seattle Post Intelligencer. She wanted me to review a book, and offered five copies to give away on the blog. I told her that while I don’t write on the that blog anymore, I’d be happy to transfer over the review and giveaway to this blog – so VOILA! You have a book giveaway coming your way, blog friends. I think the book sounds super funny – it’s a memoir from a girl who wakes up at 26 and realizes after multiple sex partners that she has never had an orgasm…so goes on a no-holds-barred hunt. You know you want to read it! Stay tuned… and in the meantime, tell me:

Currently Feeling: A little sleepy and groggy from the wine jug the BF and I split last night. Whoopsie. We just got so into Paranormal State – my new FAV!
Currently Anticipating: $2 pizzas and $3 glasses of wine at Sazerac tonight for a double date with Bestie Amanda and her boy.
Currently Needing: A quiet weekend before the rush of next week’s craziness before I leave – crazy business at work, a meet-up on Monday at Tini Bigs, a meet-up with the new roomie on Tuesday at Solo, a hair cut, pedicure, packing… AHHHCKKK.

Keeping up with lovin’ in the late 21st Century

They say us Americans are crazy busy people who don’t know how to slow down and “enjoy the good life.” We all work too much, eat too much and watch too much TV – too much, too much, too much.

I try to curb the overeating, I occasionally overwork and my TV-watching is limited to what I deem worthy of not catching later on DVR when I have the time. But, one of the big overflowing, excessive cups in my life is my calendar. I love, love, love being a social butterfly. I love planning dinners to catch up with old roommates, old coworkers, friends and family. I love happy hours to gossip. I love TV and wine nights with my girls. I love walking Greenlake and rollerblading in the spring and summer with whomever will join me. I love events – like Seattle’s 20-Something Wine event or all Seattle festivals (Folk Life, Bite of Seattle, and of course, Summer Solstice Festival – my FAVORITE). I love day trips, ferry boats, camping. I love to throw parties at my house – Wine tasting, Sex toys and Pumpkin carving. I’m sure you get the point – I love, love, love, love to DO.

When I was little, I would visit my dad during school vacations. Just sitting around at his house and doing nothing would drive.me.crazy. “Can we go see a movie, Dad? Can we go fishing, Dad? Can I go to Aunt Carol’s, Dad?” I’d beg and plead. “Can’t you ever just relax and SIT STILL?” I remember he said to me once.

No, I can’t. I can’t sit still. I don’t have adult ADHD, but I just feel that you get more out of life when you’re living it to the fullest. And my idea of living to the fullest is doing everything I can to have fun, and making the most out of my personal relationships.

I exhausted my dad. And I know I exhaust my boyfriend too.

With all the hustle and bustle of life in general – working, exercising, traveling and keeping up with extensive social calendars, how do you balance a relationship in there too without giving up any of the stuff you liked to do while single? Let me tell you, if there was one thing I wasn’t going to do when I first met my boyfriend was let my personal relationships suffer just because I was in a new relationship. But keeping my boyfriend happy, and making myself and my friends happy, sometimes proves challenging.

So recently, Baby Daddy and I enlisted the help of Google. We started updating our Google calendars, “shared” it with each other, and it works like a charm. We can both update via our phones or computers and it shows up in the side panel in our Gmail accounts. I don’t forget to tell him things; he doesn’t feel like he has no idea how to plan things with me. We keep track of each other, and we’re both happy peas.

And now, thanks to Google, we can still “see” each other even when we’re not spending the night together with the little help of Google’s recently added video chat feature, which we discovered last night. (No, this isn’t an infoblog for Google, I just enjoy any product that makes my life a bit easier).

I got home from work late last night and opened my email to see if I had anything from my “Currently In: Montana” boyfriend. Sure enough; there sat an email. I opened it and read: “You should download the Gmail chat web cam thing so we can get naked over the Internet.”

Naked we did not get, but we did chat with each other via our nerdy Web cams. (I’m not sure that I’m ready for naked webcamming just yet). Perhaps I’m a little behind the times on this one – but video chatting was totally strange yet totally awesome. At first, all I could do was laugh. It was WEIRD. I could physically see him sitting in his hotel room and hear him talking. And even weirder because I could also see what I looked like. It was like staring in the mirror at yourself while talking to someone face-to-face. Super bizarre. I feel like it might have been the most awkward conversation we’d ever had with each other. But after I got the hang of things, it was totally awesome. Beats telephone conversations any day – and now I can’t wait to go home tonight and “see” my boyfriend tonight after happy hour with a friend.

It’s nice to feel like we can continue to maintain a balanced relationship between friends, work and each other with a little planning and a little webcamming – I’ll just have to figure out how to defer his suggestions to do naked webcamming. If I know anything about the male mind, this will be a hard one to avoid too long…

Currently Feeling: Like I’ll probably get coerced into happy hour tonight instead of heading to the gym – oh wait. I already did.
Currently Anticipating: Next Friday’s triple whammy – payday, my tax return check and my 2008 bonus! Cha ching!
Currently Thinking: I’ll start a fun reoccurring series here. Stay tuned for Bacon Saturdays! (I’m not joking)

Why you don’t date early 20-somethings in your late-20s

A girl friend of mine recently told me how excited she was about this new guy she met at the bar on Christmas night, whom she described as good looking and affectionately shy with a cute name. (Why are guys just a bit sexier when they have a cute name? Bestie Amanda and I loved the name of a boy we recently met, Israel. How cute is that name?!) Anywho, I was super excited for her until she told me the guy was only 22. I’m not usually one to rain on a friend’s parade, but I had to be honest – I do NOT condone dating guys in their early 20s. Why? Because I’ve done it, and it was terrible. Now, I’m sure there are some great young 20-something guys out there, but no thanks. From my experience, they tend to be a bit flighty and flaky – only interested in hopping from one girl to the next. And at 24 and 25, I wanted to meet someone worth dating, and if it progressed into other things – great! I wasn’t interested in being someone’s Flavor of the Month. So, I have a hard time being positive about the situation when a friend embarks on the early 20-something adventure. There’s usually no good to come of it.

Long story short – my girl friend decided to try it out anyway, despite my warnings. Who could blame her? I’ve always preached my “I’ll try anything once” policy. Besides, I’m okay with a little game of I Told You So.

So, my girl friend went on an official date with him last night, and she sent me the following laundry list this morning about why she discovered they’re in TOTALLY different places in their life, and she doesn’t see it going anywhere. I nearly spit my coffee out after reading her list. He:

• Has never traveled, and doesn’t really want too
• Has no interest in going into Seattle from the suburb he lives in
• Doesn’t like to spend more than $10 on a meal
• Smokes weed
• Deals weed
• Likes to set off fireworks and “blow shit up”
• Has ADD
• Let his 21-year-old ex, who works at a tanning salon, move in with him because she cant afford anything
• But by “move in with him,” he really meant “move in with his parents” because he’s still in college and lives at home
• They went to Costco to buy groceries [before their date] for his MOM

Dream lover come rescue meeee!

NOT.

Currently Feeling: Stressed out about this article I have to have written by the end of the week, but really enjoying researching for it.
Currently Anticipating: Five days of fun events and parties!
Currently Listening To: My all time favorite – Pearl Jam. I’ll never grow out of them.

Like cat dander, bee stings and peanuts

Sunday night, watching the Survivor Gabon finale:

Me: Asian facial hair is kinda gross*.
BD: Yeah.
Me: It’s like straight and silky. I wonder what their pubes look like.
BD: *Sideways glance and laugh* I don’t know.
Me: You’ve never slept with an Asian woman?
BD: Um, no…
Me: Really?!
BD: Nope.
Me: Hmm. I was just wondering. You know, some guys have a thing for Asian woman – it’s like, all they like to sleep with or something.
BD: Yeah. This guy I work with has an Asian girlfriend, and I think he kinda has a fetish.
Me: I’ve always thought that was a little weird.

*Silence* *Contemplating Asian woman fetish* *Silence*

BD: I don’t know…I had this girlfriend in junior high…*Pauses*
Me: Yeah…
BD: Well, every time we made out, I got this really bad stomach ache afterward.
Me: What?!
BD: Yeah. It was really weird. I got really sick. Like every. time. It was like I was allergic to her saliva.
Me: Was she Asian?
BD: Yeah.
Me: So, you think you’re allergic to Asian women or something, and you haven’t dated one since?
BD: Yeah…*Sheepish glance in my direction*
Me: BWAHAHHA. YOU think YOU’RE allergic to ASIAN women?!??
Me: You’re so weird.

Alternative title to this post: Here’s Hoping the Coffee Slinging Hooker is Asian

*Disclaimer: I realize a couple people could find this offensive, but just thought I’d throw it out there that I wrote this without any sort of prejudice against Asian people or women.

Currently Feeling: Relieved that my Christmas shopping is done, and I’m not completely broke.
Currently Anticipating: Terriyaki salmon for dinner tonight.
Currently Loving: Iced sweet tea…for every meal…all day long.

I’m gonna lose my boyfriend to a coffee-slinging hooker

I think a lot of times, us coupled types can get comfortable in our relationships and fail to really see our partner through a fresh pair of eyes. After a good amount of time has gone by, you see the other person in sweats and slippers more than than you see them dressed, and it’s easy to forget to compliment quite as much or not pick apart silly stuff.

I’m terrible at this. Lately I’ve been more inclined to crinkle my nose at my boyfriend’s work uniform (I hate it), tell him that he should have probably ironed his shirt, or tease him about his chicken legs. I think I’ve been slacking a little in the compliment department lately. It’s not that I don’t think he’s just as hot as the day I met him. Actually, scratch that. I think he’s MORE hot. It’s just that it kinda not so top-of-mind anymore.

Yesterday a friend posted a group pic from the summertime on his Facebook page that I hadn’t seen yet:

And there was my boyfriend, all smiley and tan in his army shorts (majah weakness for camo), and I was reminded how much I think my boyfriend’s a sexy bitch. Just looking at this pic gets me all hot and bothered. So, I left work yesterday, thinking about how bad I wanted to see him and tear his clothes off, and tell him that’s he’s HOT.

Except someone had already beat me to it. I walked into his kitchen, and there was an empty Starbucks cup on his counter with something along the lines of the following:

Hi Mike! Hope you have a great day out there!
Heart, Theresa
253-xxx-xxxx

@*&$#&!!!! *$##@@$#!!!

I don’t really have a jealous bone in my body, but my feathers are really ruffled about this.

I’m trying to resist the urge to visit all Starbucks within his general work and home radius (which would be really hard, natch, this is Seattle!) and mean-mug all the baristas.

Currently Feeling: Headachy from staring at Web site code all week.
Currently Anticipating: My holiday wine party tomorrow night!!! Should have some good stories and pics.
Currently Needing: To get started on my Christmas shopping.

If he would have said football too, I was outta there

During my date night last Saturday with my BF, I got a little tipsy and started to talk Slumber Party. You know – when you temporarily forget your boyfriend isn’t one of the girls and you ask questions in very high-pitch, screechy voices like, “What would you name a little girl if you had one?” or “What do you want your wedding colors to be?” Anyway, I was babbling about my top four favorite things of all time EVER…

“If I had to pick four things that I couldn’t live without right now – my ALL TIME FAVORITE THINGS – I think they’d be wine and sushi… going out to breakfast… and… potlucks.

“Potlucks?!”

“Yeah! Potlucks! I’ve loved ‘em since the beginning of time. What are YOUR top four ALL TIME FAVORITE THINGS?!

“Hmmm…

A lot of thinking. A lot more thinking. Wait for it…wait for it…

“Beer, wine, sex and food.”

And then he jumped on top of the bar, bent his knees, put one hand in his armpit and one hand on top of his head and started scratching, while shrieking “Oohh Oooh Eee” and running up and down the bar.

BEER.

WINE.

SEX.

FOOD.

Currently Feeling: Excited to give my special homemade gift!
Currently Anticipating: Thai food and Survivor with Amanda tonight.
Currently Listening To: Streaming Christmas music on Pandora.