Breaking down my barrier, letting someone in

I’ve realized in the last two months that I forgot how incredibly nice it is to have someone to do nothing with. And it scares the bejesus out of me.

It has been so long since I’ve had a boyfriend (!!) that my prolonged single life allowed me to forget how great it is to have someone else to share days, hours and moments with. I think this is sort of survival mode for singles. We learn to do everything independently and be really, really happy with it. “I LUURV being single!!” we tell everybody. And there’s definitely some truth in it. But, during all those single moments, sometimes a little thought would creep into the back of my mind… “Man, it would be really, really nice to have someone to stay in and do nothing with tonight.” But, as a perpetual single, I pushed the thought aside and filled my quiet moments with books, bars, family, cats, music, friends, exercise, writing and a few short-lived men. And it’s been an incredibly satisfying and enlightening chunk of time.

But the last couple months, I’ve suddenly found someone who fills all my quiet moments. I’ve had someone to go to all those restaurants with that I’ve always wanted to try; to take the bus downtown and peruse through the Market; to stay in, getting silly off wine and watching trashy TV; to hold hands with around Greenlake; to snuggle with in bed till 2 in the afternoon; to plan dinners and evenings out with and to go anywhere, or do anything, and have the most amazing time because you’re together. Through this time, I’ve realized that I’ve held in a whole lot of love and affection for years that I’ve been dying to unleash. And it feels really, really amazing.

But I’m oh so scared that this feeling will take away my contentment with being alone. I’m scared that when he’s gone, or if things don’t work out, I’ll have remembered how great it is to have someone to care for, and who cares for you, and being single will suddenly lose the shine that it’s had for me in my 20s. I’m worried that while I’m potentially building a foundation for a new life with someone, I’m erasing a foundation of independence that it took years for me to build. It’s scary to feel like you’re letting go of a part of yourself and letting someone in. Breaking down that barrier. Hoping that if and when it’s over, you won’t have completely lost sight of who you are and how it’s okay to be alone.

Currently Feeling: Chunky and squishy. I really allowed myself to enjoy the holidays this year.
Currently Anticipating: Getting a call back for a second interview?
Currently Watching: My So Called Life on DVD.

I did it…2007 was a Year of Me

It is the beginning of 2008. The end of another year inevitably means that I begin reflecting on the past 365 days, how I spent them and what I accomplished. For me, 2007 has been a year of mixed reviews. I can say with some conviction that I am most proud of how emotionally stable this past year has been for me. During 2007, I really focused on what makes me happy and doing away with all that doesn’t.

If you remember from last year, this is what I posted for my New Year’s resolution in 2007:

I’m officially declaring that the year 2007 is for me. While reviewing my year, I couldn’t help but to think about all the bad dating situations and jerks I’ve been involved with in the past year. In 2007, I’m going to try my damndest to stay far away from that. Being alone is always better than being with someone who makes me unhappy.

It was a fairly broad and somewhat easy New Year’s resolution, but I stuck to it. How many people can say that? I made 2007 about me. I didn’t cry, feel depressed or let someone walk all over me. I focused on the activities and the people who make me smile. I didn’t enter every weekend and every bar, hoping to find my next great love. I took my energy off obsessing over finding a man, and put in into just having fun. I definitely spent energy on a few guys who ultimately didn’t work out, but I never lost site of what I wanted and who I thought I was. I didn’t let a guy’s opinion on me determine my self worth. I started to understand that I have a lot to offer someone else, and am pretty damn great. I feel like I gained—and maintained—a confidence in myself that I had yet to see in years gone past.

I am really fortunate to say that I feel like I’m definitely in a positive place while on the cusp of turning 26. I have a stable job, however boring it might be sometimes, and an apartment that I love in a pretty stellar location. There are moments when I get home, put on sweats, curl up on the couch in front of the TV or with a book—with Stella of course—and I am ridiculously satisfied and content. I have seen myself change this year from a person who previously couldn’t spend five minutes home alone without wanting to rip out my hair, teeth and eyeballs, and then head out on the town for six nights a week, to someone who is okay with being home most nights during the week and who really enjoys—and needs—alone time. I also feel that I’ve really blossomed into my career, and hobby, as a writer. I started writing for both Metroblogging Seattle and The Seattle P.I. in addition to continuing this little homespun project here. I have not only seen myself emotionally evolve this year, but professionally evolve too. I feel ready to channel myself into a great relationship and a great new career.

Which leads me to the mixed review portion of my reflection. While I feel stable in some parts of my life, I feel unstable and unsure in others. Most say this is the mantra of your 20s, so I suppose I’m just like everyone else. But, I’d like to make some significant changes this year. I sometimes wonder if I’ve spent my time out of college in the most productive manner. This year, I’d like to be more purposeful with my choices. I’d prefer not to float through my weeks, but to work hard to achieve the past vision that I saw for my life, and how I see it now for the future. As were beginning another year, and I’m nearing my 26th birthday, I’m focusing on professionally advancing my career, thinking about grad school and perhaps obtaining a new job that could eventually lead to a location change. Because I don’t want to wake up at 30 and wonder how and what I did with my 20s, I want to make 2008 the year I made a significant check next to one of those major life accomplishments.

So, a belated champagne toast to all of you my readers. I hope you’ve had a chance to reflect on the positives and the necessary changes in your lives. Here’s to another year. I have a feeling it’s going to be good. After all, I did find $100 on New Year’s Eve…how many years start out like that?

Currently Feeling: Wee bit nervous for my interview tomorrow.
Currently Anticipating: Closing my bedroom door, turning off my phone, and not communicating with anyone this evening. Don’t take it personal.
Currently Hating: My extreme lack of sleep and lack of personal space as of late.

Opposites Attract

While walking through Blockbuster with Baby Daddy, I asked if he’d seen a particular movie.

“I don’t like horror movies,” he said.

“WHAT?! You don’t like horror movies? Sometimes I don’t think we could be more opposite,” I retorted.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I like horror movies you don’t. I like to read, you don’t. You go to church, I don’t. I like Seattle. You like the Eastside…”

I trailed off, listing just a few of the reasons why I feel Baby Daddy and I couldn’t be more of a baffling match.

“I guess opposites attract,” I said afterward, hoping to avoid any potential hurt feelings.

—

A couple days later, I was standing in my kitchen, making dinner, and Baby Daddy was sitting in my living room. My latest read, “The Pillars of Earth,” was sitting on the coffee table.

“Do you like “The Pillars of Earth?” What’s it about?” he asked.

I smiled in the kitchen. “Yeah, actually. I like it a lot….” And then I proceeded to describe the plot to him.

He didn’t care. I know that. He was simply making an effort to connect with me on something I pointed out that I enjoy. I guess two people can be complete opposites and not at all enjoy the same things, but I believe it might work when both parties share an invested interest in what makes the other tick.

At that moment, I couldn’t have liked him more for simply asking me about a book.

Currently Feeling: Freaked out by all this rain and hydroplaning my car is doing.
Currently Anticipating: Two weeks till Amanda comes home!
Currently Loving: Fireplaces, movies and Monopoly nights.

You have a great aura, Part deux

A little while back, I wrote about auras, their colors, and how I’d ran across more than one person who’d commented on mine.

It happened again…has it become common practice to tell someone that they have a great aura? Maybe this is the new compliment of the 21st century.

When I was on my first date with Interested Reader, we wrapped up the end of the night at The Great Nabob with some of his friends. I was laughing and flirting and enjoying myself immensely. In the middle of a conversation with Interested Reader (Montana transplant) and one of his friends (Indiana transplant), I noticed that a guy at the table and a girl next to him were looking at me and nodding. It was clearly a “we’re talking about you” moment. These are always a little weird; but since we’re not in high school anymore, I don’t automatically assume that the conversation is negative. It still caused me to pause mid-sentence, and I looked at them and smiled. The guy leaned over the table and asked, “Are you from Seattle?”

“Yep. Born and raised,” I said. (For those who are Seattle transplants, I am more “from Seattle” than not even though I actually grew up outside the city.)

They looked at each other and nodded. “We thought so.”

I laughed. “Oh really, why’s that?”

“I don’t know. We’re both from Seattle, and you can just tell. You remind me a lot of my friends. The way you act… it’s like you have a great aura.”

I, of course, was pleased as punch that he said this in front of Interested Reader. It’s always a plus when you’re complimented on your ridiculously, ridiculously sparkling personality by a guy’s friend.

I just hope he thought so too…

Currently Feeling: Like I’d really enjoy winning the lottery right about now
Currently Anticipating: Happy hour tomorrow with Interested Reader and his friends
Currently Loving: The onset of the holidays—good food, parties and family

It doesn’t get much better than this…

I am still spinning from my date on Saturday. I can’t quite act all squishy and excited on my dating blog because I know he’s reading (considering that’s how he contacted me), so I’ll share the details here.

For those of you not up-to-speed, I received an email from an interested reader who had spotted my profile on The Stranger’s Lovelab, discovered I wrote for Metroblogging Seattle, then was friends with the girl who previously wrote the dating blog I just took over, so he noticed when I started writing for that too. He sent me an email, asking me out (with his profile attached, natch), and I accepted for Saturday.

From his pictures, I could tell he was at least a little cute. But, I was not nearly prepared for just how damn cute he was going to be. When I walked into Oliver’s Twist on Saturday at 8 p.m., I could have just died and gone to heaven. My whole “super suave, not nervous at all” attitude went right out the window. Cute boys make my knees weak.

Interested Reader is tall, with a fantastic body, cute clothes, brown hair and sexy nerdy/”I’m an intellectual” glasses. He is a physical therapist with a graduate school degree, a Portland/Montana transplant, a reader of books, a liberal, an agnostic, a listener of KEXP, a player of sports (including kickball !!), and as passionate and level-headed as can be.

From the moment we started talking at Oliver’s Twist, (over two drinks, the blue cheese-stuffed dates and tomato cappuccino with grilled cheese, thanks Jenny), we did not have a moment’s lull in the conversation. We continued to the 74th Street Ale House, then onto The Great Nabob to meet a couple of his friends. We even continued our one-on-one conversation while sitting at the table with his friends, eventually resting our knees against each other (yes, I noticed), and engaging in a little flirty elbowing/other innocent contact.

By the end of the date, I was more than eager to throw my “no kisses on the first date” thing out the window. All I could think about was, “Make-out city, U.S.A!” He asked me to his car to listen to a band he kept talking to me about, which I of course accepted. There, I managed to snag a completely awkward first date kiss before I thanked him for the wonderful evening, and bid him goodbye.

I guess the great-date feeling was mutual, because I woke up Sunday morning to an email in my inbox from him. He sent me a silly inside joke ecard, and wrote:

Ha! I hope this card is as funny to you as it is to me after 5 hours of sleep. I had a great time last night with you. Definitely, looking forward to seeing you again! Have a Great Day, E

I have to admit. I CANNOT WAIT to hear back from him. Perhaps it’s super premature, but I think we’ve got something here…

Currently Feeling: Busy and content.
Currently Anticipating: The return email or phone call.
Currently Hating: Juggling.

Save those tears for someone who counts

At volunteering on Monday, I sat at a table with a group of junior high girls who I had met the previous week. Two of them were working on self-portraits for an art class, and so I helped them with different drawing and tracing techniques while I created a bookmark for myself out of markers and construction paper. (I knew this graphic design minor would pay off someday.)

That pesky Baby Bash biography girl from last week was sitting across the table from me, writing a letter. (Turns out, she was lying about the report. She just wanted to listen to the music instead of doing homework. Snatchdragon!) After a few comments from the girls at the table, I caught on to what they were talking about.

“Are you writing a love letter?” I asked.

“Yeah! Her boyfriend is moving to New York! She’s been crying all day!” said one of the little bossy, loud girls that I find absolutely adorable.

I quickly peeked at what it said, and saw:

Dear My Boo,

Why are you moving to New York? Why aren’t you staying here with me?

The irony of it was too much. Here I am, fielding boy problems in my life and my friends’, and writing a dating blog for the newspaper. When I attempt to step outside the box in my life, you know…do something for the better good, further the future of America…I’m still dealing with relationship issues.

I just wanted to wrap her up in my arms of hindsight and tell her:

“Oh honey. This guy is only one in a long line of many. Someday, you won’t be able to even remember his name. And my goodness, save those tears for someone who counts.”

Currently Feeling: Buyer’s remorse for my new Sidekick Slide
Currently Anticipating: Beers and Pyramid and the soccer game with Vaness and Sarah
Currently Loving: That I can check my MySpace at work now through my phone. Ha Ha…suckers!

Why Men Shouldn’t Take Notes

Ha HA HAHHahhahaha HA!

P.S. I will have my Halloween pics up shortly. Patience… I’ve been sick.

P.P.S. I love Butterfingers.

Please don’t fall off this pedestal

Now that Dubliner Man Crush has called, and our conversations will hopefully and eventually cumulate into a date with the sexiest man alive [well, besides, that one from a couple weeks ago, natch], I’m aware that there’s a slight little problem:

I’ve put him up on a pedestal.

A far-reaching, tottering, teetering little pedestal.

What are the imminent dangers of this? Well, that the chase won’t lead up to the catch. That he won’t be able to carry a conversation, or will be totally boring and we’ll have nothing in common. Or worse, he won’t have a sense of humor, and I’ll have to explain all my jokes or finish my sarcasm off with, “I’m just joking.”

A good friend of mine recently said, “I hope he’s romantic, courteous, holds intelligent conversations, sticks to his views and is really good at making out! That’s what I hope for you!”

Me too, friend, me too…

Currently Feeling: The quintessential fall cold coming on.
Currently Anticipating: Halloween weekend! I can’t freakin wait to wear my costume!
Currently Wondering: When I’ll have the time during all this blogging business to update my resume and cover letter.

He’s BAAACK!

UPDATE: Remember that random Dubliner Man Crush story?!

Well, I got my haircut again on Friday. Who should happen to be sitting in the chair when I walk in—DUBLINER MAN CRUSH. Again. Unplanned. We just happened to make an appointment on the same day, at the same time, three months later. This is just getting weird.

Turns out that witty and clever text message I sent him that went something along the lines of, “I guess they give out more than just good haircuts there, eh?” was never received, and he’s been disappointed ever since and asks about me every time he goes in.

After he left, they sent him my number via text. So, the fate of this hair-salon flirting is now in his hands.

He didn’t actually blow me off as previously thought. All hope is not lost.

Dubliner Man Crush is back.

And this is how I feel about that:

*For those of you who read both blogs, I did post the full story today on the other. I normally will not be cross-posting, but will occasionally have to back-fill stories for the new readers who don’t know me. Besides, I thought this one was too good to leave off the dating blog. Please forgive.

Currently Feeling: The rush to get all the last-minute costume things completed this week.
Currently Anticipating: Going back to bed. So. Tired.
Currently Loving: All the special ladies who attended the pumpkin carving party last night. Pictures soon.

A Conversation at My Local Bar

“You look like a heartbreaker. I can tell. You’ve broken a lot of hearts, haven’t you?” said a man to me in the bar last night with a hazy smile and creepy lilt in his voice.

“Um, no. Not really,” I responded, completely and utterly uninterested. I turned back around in my seat and took another sip of my wine.

“Oh yes you have. Don’t by shy to admit it. You’re a total heartbreaker,” he continued, despite my obvious attempts to blow him off.

“Uh. NO. Actually. I’m. NOT. I’ve had my heart broken more than I’ve broken hearts. Come to think about it, I don’t think I’ve broken anybody’s heart.”

“You fall in love with everyone you meet!” chimed in my male friend, sitting next to me at the bar. “You jump in way too fast and always get hurt!”

“Um. Okay. Maybe…what can I say? I’m a one-man kind of woman. I like ‘em, and I fall hard,” I responded. Somewhat a little taken back that I’m categorized and obviously a girl that “jumps in too fast” when I SO thought that wasn’t me. Gee thanks. Nothing like reading me like an open book.

“I don’t care what you say; I still think you’re a total heartbreaker,” says the bar patron again.

Some guys will never get me…

Currently Feeling: Like I’m a writing machine!
Currently Anticipating: Our pumpkin carving party this weekend.
Currently Hating: Hurting someone’s feelings.