Breaking down my barrier, letting someone in

I’ve realized in the last two months that I forgot how incredibly nice it is to have someone to do nothing with. And it scares the bejesus out of me.

It has been so long since I’ve had a boyfriend (!!) that my prolonged single life allowed me to forget how great it is to have someone else to share days, hours and moments with. I think this is sort of survival mode for singles. We learn to do everything independently and be really, really happy with it. “I LUURV being single!!” we tell everybody. And there’s definitely some truth in it. But, during all those single moments, sometimes a little thought would creep into the back of my mind… “Man, it would be really, really nice to have someone to stay in and do nothing with tonight.” But, as a perpetual single, I pushed the thought aside and filled my quiet moments with books, bars, family, cats, music, friends, exercise, writing and a few short-lived men. And it’s been an incredibly satisfying and enlightening chunk of time.

But the last couple months, I’ve suddenly found someone who fills all my quiet moments. I’ve had someone to go to all those restaurants with that I’ve always wanted to try; to take the bus downtown and peruse through the Market; to stay in, getting silly off wine and watching trashy TV; to hold hands with around Greenlake; to snuggle with in bed till 2 in the afternoon; to plan dinners and evenings out with and to go anywhere, or do anything, and have the most amazing time because you’re together. Through this time, I’ve realized that I’ve held in a whole lot of love and affection for years that I’ve been dying to unleash. And it feels really, really amazing.

But I’m oh so scared that this feeling will take away my contentment with being alone. I’m scared that when he’s gone, or if things don’t work out, I’ll have remembered how great it is to have someone to care for, and who cares for you, and being single will suddenly lose the shine that it’s had for me in my 20s. I’m worried that while I’m potentially building a foundation for a new life with someone, I’m erasing a foundation of independence that it took years for me to build. It’s scary to feel like you’re letting go of a part of yourself and letting someone in. Breaking down that barrier. Hoping that if and when it’s over, you won’t have completely lost sight of who you are and how it’s okay to be alone.

Currently Feeling: Chunky and squishy. I really allowed myself to enjoy the holidays this year.
Currently Anticipating: Getting a call back for a second interview?
Currently Watching: My So Called Life on DVD.

I did it…2007 was a Year of Me

It is the beginning of 2008. The end of another year inevitably means that I begin reflecting on the past 365 days, how I spent them and what I accomplished. For me, 2007 has been a year of mixed reviews. I can say with some conviction that I am most proud of how emotionally stable this past year has been for me. During 2007, I really focused on what makes me happy and doing away with all that doesn’t.

If you remember from last year, this is what I posted for my New Year’s resolution in 2007:

I’m officially declaring that the year 2007 is for me. While reviewing my year, I couldn’t help but to think about all the bad dating situations and jerks I’ve been involved with in the past year. In 2007, I’m going to try my damndest to stay far away from that. Being alone is always better than being with someone who makes me unhappy.

It was a fairly broad and somewhat easy New Year’s resolution, but I stuck to it. How many people can say that? I made 2007 about me. I didn’t cry, feel depressed or let someone walk all over me. I focused on the activities and the people who make me smile. I didn’t enter every weekend and every bar, hoping to find my next great love. I took my energy off obsessing over finding a man, and put in into just having fun. I definitely spent energy on a few guys who ultimately didn’t work out, but I never lost site of what I wanted and who I thought I was. I didn’t let a guy’s opinion on me determine my self worth. I started to understand that I have a lot to offer someone else, and am pretty damn great. I feel like I gained—and maintained—a confidence in myself that I had yet to see in years gone past.

I am really fortunate to say that I feel like I’m definitely in a positive place while on the cusp of turning 26. I have a stable job, however boring it might be sometimes, and an apartment that I love in a pretty stellar location. There are moments when I get home, put on sweats, curl up on the couch in front of the TV or with a book—with Stella of course—and I am ridiculously satisfied and content. I have seen myself change this year from a person who previously couldn’t spend five minutes home alone without wanting to rip out my hair, teeth and eyeballs, and then head out on the town for six nights a week, to someone who is okay with being home most nights during the week and who really enjoys—and needs—alone time. I also feel that I’ve really blossomed into my career, and hobby, as a writer. I started writing for both Metroblogging Seattle and The Seattle P.I. in addition to continuing this little homespun project here. I have not only seen myself emotionally evolve this year, but professionally evolve too. I feel ready to channel myself into a great relationship and a great new career.

Which leads me to the mixed review portion of my reflection. While I feel stable in some parts of my life, I feel unstable and unsure in others. Most say this is the mantra of your 20s, so I suppose I’m just like everyone else. But, I’d like to make some significant changes this year. I sometimes wonder if I’ve spent my time out of college in the most productive manner. This year, I’d like to be more purposeful with my choices. I’d prefer not to float through my weeks, but to work hard to achieve the past vision that I saw for my life, and how I see it now for the future. As were beginning another year, and I’m nearing my 26th birthday, I’m focusing on professionally advancing my career, thinking about grad school and perhaps obtaining a new job that could eventually lead to a location change. Because I don’t want to wake up at 30 and wonder how and what I did with my 20s, I want to make 2008 the year I made a significant check next to one of those major life accomplishments.

So, a belated champagne toast to all of you my readers. I hope you’ve had a chance to reflect on the positives and the necessary changes in your lives. Here’s to another year. I have a feeling it’s going to be good. After all, I did find $100 on New Year’s Eve…how many years start out like that?

Currently Feeling: Wee bit nervous for my interview tomorrow.
Currently Anticipating: Closing my bedroom door, turning off my phone, and not communicating with anyone this evening. Don’t take it personal.
Currently Hating: My extreme lack of sleep and lack of personal space as of late.

Invasion of the Baby Screamers

Sarah and I have a huge new development at our place of residence in beautiful Seattle. We have a baby and a new dog! No, we’re not lesbian lovers who secretly had a sperm donor impregnate one of us or a surrogate mother. Nope. In fact it’s really exciting for us…neighbors below us just moved in and they have a screaming child and yappy dog, so now we don’t have to worry about entering that phase of our lives on our own! We can just live vicariously through our neighbors!

I think this is really exciting.

I now get to wake up at 7:30 a.m. on a Saturday to my new child running, no slash that, thundering up and down the hardwood floors, screaming, “Tater tots! Tater tots!” I also get to hear, “Mommy?!” clear as day while I’m putting on my makeup in the mornings. My evenings consist of sitting on the couch with earplugs in while I read so I can try to drown out our yappy dog. And more than once a week, I get to participate in a screaming match with my child—during her bath, while brushing her hair and for no reason at all most the time! She especially likes to frequently scream, “Mommy I haaatteeee yoouuuu!” at the top of her lungs.

Sarah is a little new to this whole baby thing and lost her cool the other night (some mother you are, Sarah). In the midst of one of our darling little daughter’s fits, she screamed, “SHUUUT UUUP!” at the top of her lungs. Three minutes later there was a gentle tapping at our front door. I don’t think our twin parents were happy with our momentary relapse in proper parenting, and they chose to explain the situation to us on a little note, slipped under the door.

It was, of course, written on the back of a little scribbled drawing of a pink and purple dinosaur.

Oh yeah, did I tell you our new little daughter is quite the artist too?

I think she takes after me.

Currently Feeling: Like I want but don’t need a cheeseburger.
Currently Anticipating: Sarah’s birthday party on Saturday and snowboarding on Sunday.
Currently Loving: Tuesday nights that include dinner with my parents and best friend, a fun recreational event, and then a boy to cuddle with later. I’m getting WAY too used to this.

Here I Write Again, Not on My Own

I’ve been asked to take over a blog for the Seattle P.I., and of course, I’ve accepted. Am I crazy? I think so. Hopefully one of these days, all this blogging for free will lead to a paying gig. Sort of like one of my favorite professional bloggers, This Fish. In the meantime, I’ll exploit my life and my adventures for the simple satisfaction of writing. I’m that nerdy.

The topic? Dating of course. Really, I took up writing for Metroblogging Seattle because I consider myself a slight expert on the city and what’s going on in it. If the city is a slight area of expertise, then I most certainly could say that dating is. Actually, scratch that. I’m no expert, I’ve just done a lot of it, and so have a lot of my best girlfriends. Therefore, I’m bound to have a good story or two to share with the masses.

I came up with an angle that I think is going to be fun and quite entertaining—the 20-something vs. the 30-something. So, the previous blog author found me a 30-something who has commented quite a bit on her blog, and the three of us are meeting on Sunday to “pass the torch,” discuss content and logistics, etc. I’m excited to meet my new cohort, and possibly gain a new single girlfriend to stomp all over the city with.

Here we are. The 20-something vs. the 30-something:

I love that she sent in a photo with a drink in her hand, and so did I. My kind of gal. God knows, you need a lot of those to get through dating…

So, you’ve been warned. I will be writing about not only my dating life (which obviously needs to be kicked-up a notch, I’ve been lallygagging), but because I certainly don’t have anywhere near a date a week, I’ll be borrowing from some of your stories and adventures too, my dear friends. But don’t worry, I’ll create aliases. Your secrets will be safe with me.

Sort of.

Currently Feeling: Like my clothes are fitting slightly tighter. Dammit!
Currently Anticipating: Mmmm. Kickball. Tasty Treats.
Currently Loving: Fall. I hate the end of summer, but I love fall.

MIA Roommate Drama

Sarah left last night for Florida. I’m by myself in our apartment for the longest period of time since moving out of my studio. At first, I found insane pleasure in little stupid things. For instance, Wednesday I ran out of toilet paper on the toilet paper roll. Usually, I would replace it, without a doubt, right away. Only douche bags don’t replace the toilet paper roll. But, since Sarah was gone, and I didn’t have to worry about her opinion, I left it. This morning when I woke up and went to the bathroom, a slight, “yessss” went through my mind as I sat down and took the new, un-replaced roll from the counter…sometimes it just feels so good to be irresponsible.

Or how great it was to sleep with my door WIDE OPEN and not feel weird if she got up and my cheeks were hanging out of my skimpy bedtime shorts…eff, it’s hot. I’m not sleeping in much these nights. Furthermore, I got up in the middle of the night last night and found pleasure in taking a midnight nap on the futon, next to all of our large windows, circulating cool nighttime air through the living room. Hell. Sarah wouldn’t be waking up in the morning and feel like she had to sneak around to be quiet for me…so I slept in the living room.

Or this morning when I took THREE spoonfuls of her Cool Whip out of the fridge to eat for breakfast. Normally, I’d feel incredibly guilty about eating her food. I’d usually try to be really sneaky and smooth over the Cool Whip so it didn’t look like I’d just consumed half the container. But, with her out of town, I can eat, eat and eat and just replace it all before she gets back!

Not to mention I haven’t washed one damn dish. They’re piling up all over the counters, and it’s beautiful.

So, I’ve definitely enjoyed doing the stupid little things one has to always think about and respect when living with someone. But, don’t get me wrong. I’m unnervingly bored and lonely. In fact, I was so bored and lonely tonight that I ordered PIZZA at 10 p.m. after I’d already eaten dinner and dessert. I wasn’t even that hungry. I was just bored and snacky. I suppose I could have saved myself $25 by just walking or driving a couple blocks to pick up a fuckin ding dong, but instead I paid for an entire greasy 10-pound pizza to be delivered to my front door so I could eat two pieces. And now I just want to take it to work in the morning and leave it in the lunchroom for someone to eat so I don’t have to feel the guilt of devouring an entire pizza.

I hope I make it through this lonely weekend without gaining 10 pounds. If I disappear, it might be because my fat ass sank through the 5-foot pile of clothing on my bedroom floor that I can’t bring myself to clean…send in the search party by Monday.

Currently Feeling: A little saucy and bold after sending a message to Twinkle Eyes.
Currently Anticipating: Jesse Colorado taking me sailing.
Currently Reading: Free Food for Millionaires by Min Jin Lee

self promotion

Just here to talk about myself some more…never gets old, eh?

Don’t know if any of you missed my previous mention of blogging for Metroblogging Seattle, but here it is again.

I’m now splitting my time between two blogs. Geez. I must really be a GEEK about this whole writing thing.

But seriously, Metroblogging Seattle is great for those of us who live in the city. I read it before I signed up as a writer. The blog houses multiple posts a day about funny and interesting news around the city, restaurant and bar reviews, etc. in addition to a daily account of what’s happening in Seattle.

Bookmark it, read it, add it to your Web site and support your local bloggers.
Or, if you just want to read what I wrote because you all love me so very much, a list and link to my last five blogs for Metroblogging Seattle is listed on my LINKS page.

Currently Feeling: So super excited for the wedding tomorrow.
Currently Anticipating: My date on Sunday.
Currently Wondering: What I’m going to do for a Mother’s Day gift.

Round Two: Ding, ding, ding!

Okay. So, I know I told all of you a couple months ago that I was going to attempt to write for a Seattle blog site. Well, I did. I posted a couple entries on HotelsbyCity.com, but was quite embarrassed by the level of writing I saw from other bloggers. People were spelling local Seattle hot-spots wrong, writing through the voice of their three-year-old grandson and not spell-checking their blog. I’m not perfect, but I do have a journalism/writing career to uphold, so I backed out of that little adventure.

But, I’m back. I just miss having my voice out in the city. So, I’ve decided to become a blogger for Metroblogging Seattle. It’s a city blog site that has some credibility. I’ve been reading it on a regular basis for the past couple months and waiting for an opportunity to sign on. I received that two weeks ago when they posted a call for writers. And, I’ve been accepted.

You can now read my ramblings on not one site, but TWO. All right! Exciting day for you. Keep an eye out for my posts, or just read about events and news in your local city here.

Today’s my Jeanniversary

Today marks the one-year date since I wrote my first blog. I’ve shared a lot of my personal feelings and opinions, current events I’ve thought interesting, crazy drunken stories and other random events in my life. While at times it seems a bit narcissistic, blogging has become an outlet for me—a way to share what I have bottled up inside. A big thanks to my faithful blog readers who read each and every one of my posts and care about what I have to say. Who knew that having multiple people (some you don’t even know, weird) reading what is basically your personal diary, could be so rewarding?

Since starting this Internet record of my life, I:

• Became a project manager at World Vision
• Bought a new car
• Bowled in three bowling leagues
• Took up belly dancing, bingo and a book club
• Jumped off at least two dating roller coasters
• Gave up carbs and sugar
• Became a mother to Stella
• Moved to a new apartment with Sarah
• Discovered a couple new awesome bars and restaurants in Seattle
• Traveled to Mexico
• Almost died in an apartment fire (twice)
• Seen at least seven good rock concerts (including the Rolling Stones!)
• Became a bridesmaid
• Made new friends, became closer to some old ones, and lost touch with others
• Read a million new books
• Made-out with a gay man
• Survived more than one unparalleled drinking binge in Eastern Washington
• Have learned to become a pretty good cook
• Attempted Internet dating

Wow. It’s amazing all that can happen in a year. And it’s incredibly entertaining and awesome to be able to look back and read about how I feeling at certain points in my life and how I was spending my time.

So, here’s to another year. I can only hope it’ll be as fabulous as the last, and that all of you will continue to support this hobby of mine.

Luv,
Jeanna

The Hunt is Over

The stress, incessant checking of Craigslist and overall generally crappy hunt is over—Sarah and I found our apartment last night.

In the last month or so since we’ve decided to move in together, the two of us have checked Craigslist, Seattlerentals.com and the Seattle Times classifieds multiple times a day. It only left us discouraged. Queen Anne is full of not-that-great and super expensive apartments. And of course we wanted it all—deck, view, washer and dryer, dishwasher, parking, great location, AND the “old Seattle charm” that so many apartments in Queen Anne have.

Yesterday we braved the broken Asian English we could barely understand on the phone to view an apartment on West Olympic Place…a street we were very interested to live on because of the views. The add didn’t have any pictures, but said “penthouse,” so we were in like Flinn.

Asian Mr. Magoo—short, big thick glasses and big thick accent—met us on the fourth floor of the building to view the apartment. As soon as Sarah and I stepped in, we knew we found our place. The apartment has hardwood floors throughout—in both bedrooms—and the living area is huge; it’s big enough for three couches. The best part—the South and West faces walls of the apartment are floor-to-ceiling windows looking out on the city and water. AND we are one floor below the rooftop deck that spans the Seattle skyline. It’s absolutely breathtaking. I’m already imagining me in my bathing suit and reclining sun chair in the summer. Because of the views and the size, we’ve forgone the need for a dishwasher, washer and dryer, and big closets. I’m hoping this isn’t going to be a huge mistake. And, because of the year the building was built, the kitchen is pretty small and has old appliances. However, I still think it’s perfect.

So, we already have the keys and are going to be picking out paint this week. Sarah says, “No hot pink!” Damn! But, I think we’re going to have a fabulous apartment, and a most fantastic time living together. I couldn’t be more excited.

All of you are invited to our housewarming party on the second weekend of March. Keep your eyes out for the e-vite in your inbox.

Sigh. The stress is over. Now, I just need to pack up my completely cramped apartment and then it will all be good.

Currently Feeling: So excited and relieved that it’s surpassing the hate of Valentine’s Day.
Currently Anticipating: Move-in day and Amanda coming home from the cruise ships—all happening on February 24th. What a great weekend.

A New Voice for Seattle

New and exciting news in Jeanna’s life—I’M GETTING MARRIED!

Just joking.

I do have exciting news though; I have been given the opportunity to become a Seattle blogger for HotelsbyCity.com. I’ve been scouring Craigslist lately for any available jobs and just perusing the kind of positions I want to apply for as soon as I complete my resume. (Always a grueling and lengthy process when you’re a journalism major.) The other day, I happened across a posting that said, “Seattle Bloggers Wanted.” Hmmm. I’m from Seattle, and I’m definitely a blogger in my own terms. So, I applied. And low and behold, they’ve given me the or a Seattle blog. Not sure how many people are going to do it.

Anyway, I’m super excited. I’ve been managing my own blog site for almost a year now, and have kept up a steady pace of close to every other day. But I’m not getting paid. I just do it purely for my own enjoyment, and those few fans I have. But now, I will be blogging for money, my friends. How exciting is that? I figured it couldn’t get any easier than being required to write about the city of Seattle. You all know how much I love it here, and I’m always out and about, checking out new bars and restaurants. Now I get to write blogs about these places and events for those interested in traveling to Seattle. Apparently, I get 75 percent of ad revenue that comes in. Now, I have no idea how much that is going to translate to. I’m sure it will take me quite awhile to build up some traffic, and I could only make 20 bucks a month. But hey, 20 bucks is 20 bucks, right? I can always pick up a new slutty going-out shirt from Forever 21 for 20 bucks.

So today begins my career as a blogger. Wish me luck. Once I get a few blogs posted and get the hang of this, I’ll be sure to whore out my Web site to all of you folks.

Currently Feeling: Excited and nervous to start writing blogs about Seattle. I’m supposed to post at least twice a week, which I’m hoping won’t be too hard to handle.
Currently Anticipating: Bingo tomorrow and seeing my beautiful and Single and Fabulous friend Kelly.
Currently Loving: My crockpot!! I made minestrone last night, which should get me through this week on South Beach lunches.