Since I’ve been gone…

I’ve been fluttering around this town (and others) in a state of independence, slowly spinning and spinning into a place where independence starts to feel like a whole, and dependence starts as an itch, slowly creeping into my brain here and there.

I danced under the streetlamps and in front of a fan on high, trying desperately to beat the heat – to beats from a main stage, rock music filling the streets of Seattle.

I learned to hail cabs in New York City, danced until my feet hurt, spent 1 a.m. in Times Square trying to find myself on the jumbo screen, walked the spirals up Frank Loyd Wright’s Guggenheim Museum, sat under a tree by myself in Central Park and secretly stole pictures of couples lying on blankets kissing cause it was all too damn cute and reminded me of a place I was once at.

I picnicked and barbecued at the beach, watched the sun set, and found a new love for hippie reggae beats, which now follows me in headphones to work every week as I walk underneath the shadows of buildings downtown, discovering that there really is no better way to start your day than with a walk in sunshine and no better way to end it than in a bathing suit, people watching at the park.

I rocked a review, scored a raise, and successfully pulled together a conference and a local tech event that I planned all by myself – all while floating rivers and roasting marshmallows over a campfire on the weekends. I’ve let go of summer traditions in the past, and created my own traditions that include just me this time, and some with new friends.

I grilled salmon, churned strawberry frozen yogurt made from scratch, and picked tomatoes and basil from my garden in large quantities. I indulged in quail, rabbit with plum sauce, pork belly buns, watermelon gazpacho, German chocolate cake, and a few birthday cakes too. I enjoyed too many dinners with girls, happy hours on patios, and wine tasting that I care to admit.

I had a closure dinner with an ex, talking over months gone past as if nothing had ever changed, except one very important detail.

I’m independent now.

And underneath it all, I’m healing and the itch of dependence - of someone and something that makes me smile, laugh and want to hold hands and spend all my time with – is starting to take shape again.

And I might have even found someone I want it to take shape with.

Currently Feeling: So strange this week – tired, out of it. Is it the full moon?
Currently Anticipating: A bevy of trips coming up (and possibly a BIG one). Stay tuned for details.
Currently Reading: Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger.

30 Days: Update two

Men are stinky. Like really, really stinky. I’m going to open a yoga studio that has women’s only classes cause man if it isn’t bad enough to be stuck in a room like sardines that you can’t breath in cause it’s 95 degrees plus, then it’s absolute hell to have to smell some big dude’s body odor for that hour, praying his sweat doesn’t drip on you, and OH.MY.GOD. did I tell you he FARTED. Like huge. Like next to me and then said, “Sorry!” and the class was silent. I don’t know who I felt more sorry for, me or that guy.

P.S. I’m never eating garlic fries at a baseball game again.

P.P.S. Money saved these last two days because I’m against CONSUMERISM and can’t buy anything:

• $59 on a yoga towel with special grippers on the bottom, so it sticks to your mat. I WANT!!
• $13.99 on the “Away We Go” soundtrack, which is my fav movie of 2009 and features music from Alexi Murdoch. One song came on my Pandora station yesterday, and I was all…”Oh my God, his voice is amazing. I need this soudtrack IMMEDIATELY cause then I’d be all calm, soothed and relaxed thinking about how life is great every day!”
• $69 on Tom’s (again). God damn these things. They just released the cutest wedges ever this week, which is much more my style than flats. AND they benefit starving children in Africa.

Currently Feeling: A little groggy from my 6am class today. I always think it’s a good idea to go home and go back to bed, but then I just feel groggy.
Currently Anticipating: SUPER fun weekend ahead – trying out Lark restaurant with the girls tonight, then heading to SAM Remix for Picasso/Warhol/Kurt Cobain exhibits. Tomorrow is a high school throwback kegger, and Paolo‘s wedding reception. Then Sunday a Mariner’s game! Woot!
Currently Needing: More yoga shorts, not pants. Man the pants are hot and stick to me. Love ‘em to lounge in, but not for hot yoga.

Je’s a REBEL, Vigilante

A text message conversation I just had with my boyfriend:

Him: Good morning. xoox have a good day.
Me: Ditto BF. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Him: That’s a lot

Hrm. My boyfriend is obviously aware of my rebellious proclivities. Dammit. I’ve been found out! I’m unsure if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing. Maybe there is a reason I was voted Biggest Rebel in high school. (An award that I don’t have hanging on my wall, for some strange reason. But something that still gives me a laugh to this day.)

What can I say, I find life a little more exciting with a little bit of danger and MISssstery.

I think I’ll make Greenday’s She’s a Rebel my new life lyrics:

She’s Je’s a rebel
She’s Je’s a saint
She’s Je’s salt of the earth
And she’s Je’s dangerous

She’s Je’s a rebel
Vigilante
Missing link on the brink
Of destruction

(!!!)

Currently Feeling: A little sore from the 30-Day Shred I did last night – the first time back on the wagon after a month of slacking! But Jillian Michaels makes me feel so great!
Currently Anticipating: BBQing it up on my new George Foreman outdoor bbq grill a little more this week. It works like a charm! I had corn on the cob for the first time since last summer – SO good!
Currently Reading: Hunting and Gathering by Anna Gavalda.

Thursday’s Fun with YouTube

Please find me a man who can speak this eloquently:

(Semi-attractive Chris recites the lyrics to T-Pain’s Buy U A Drank)

Currently Feeling: Weirdly unsatisfied with summer.
Currently Anticipating: John’s birthday party/Stephen’s going away shindig tomorrow
Currently Loving: All my newly acquired running buddies. Nothing like a little motivation!

OMG. I MUST GO TO THIS IMMEDIATELY.

Seems like the best excuse I’ve ever seen to take a trip to Chicago…

The Latest and Greatest

Within the last couple months, I’ve been obsessed with KEXP. I can’t believe I’ve lived in Seattle my whole life and was never introduced to the wonderment of this radio station until just recently. I had noticed the bumper stickers on people’s cars around the city, but hated that every time I turned to the station, I had no idea who they were playing. However, I started listening to it at work, streaming live online. The Web site features a playlist that tells you every song they’re playing…every time I like a song, I check out who the artist is and, write it down. I can’t get enough. I’ve been introduced to so many new bands in the last couple months, and I have Post-It notes everywhere on my desk at work, listing this band, that song, this CD and so forth.

KEXP is good—really, really good.

Because I am obsessed with the station, it’s introduced to me a bunch of new bands and live shows I want to attend, and it gets me through my work day, I decided to pledge to their Winter Pledge Drive. KEXP is locally ran and supported by members, so there aren’t any commercials, and they rely on support from the money they raise by their listeners. It’s the first time I’ve given money to support a cause, and I’m not going to lie, I feel sort of popular about it. I can’t wait until my KEXP member T-shirt and member card comes in the mail. And when you pledge, it not only supports the radio station, but you get discounts at tons of local clothing stores, restaurants, bars and cd stores around town.

So, if you’re into rock music, listen to KEXP. They’re awesome. And, attend any or all of the following shows with me…I’m looking for a live-music buddy for:

April 14:90.3 KEXP presents The Long Winters at Showbox
Doors: 8PMAge: 21+Tix: Ticketmaster Presale!Saturday April 14th – The Showbox presents THE LONG WINTERS. $15.00 advance at Ticketmaster. Doors at 8pm. 21+. Tickets on sale Friday January 26th at 10am. Internet presale beginning Wednesday January 24th at 10am and ending Thursday January 25th at 10pm; password is “kexp”.

April 21:90.3 KEXP presents Junior Boys at Chop Suey
Doors: 9PMAge: 21+Tix: Ticketswest.com4.21 Saturday Neumos and 90.3 KEXP Present at Chop Suey JUNIOR BOYS with Special Guests. tickets are $12 advance.

May 5:90.3 KEXP presents Tapes N Tapes at Neumo’s
Doors: 8PMAge: All AgesTix: TicketsWest.comGeneral Admission. All Ages $13.00 tickets available.

May 13:90.3 KEXP presents Peter Bjorn and John at Neumo’s
Doors: 8PMAge: 21+Tix: $15 advance at TicketsWestWith Special Guests.

Currently Feeling: A little queasy from those chocolate martinis and pots o cheese last night.
Currently Anticipating: Lebowskifest tonight and our housewarming party on Saturday.
Currently Loving: The 10 new pairs of shoes I’ve purchased. Okay, I know. I’m stopping now.

I’ll Bet There’s Music Where You Are

Almost a year ago today, a good friend of mine committed suicide.

I would have waited to commemorate him on the anniversary of his death, but the topic has been on my mind all week. Most of you know the story, and I hate to dwell on the sad and depressing, but I will never forget how beautiful Todd was. I didn’t know him for very long, but I loved him. Everything about him. So, it was very shocking, overwhelming and incredibly heartbreaking when I received the phone call that he was gone. Especially since I hadn’t returned his last phone call, and it was on my list of things to do.

Talk about kicking yourself over and over again.

I was slightly consoled when approximately six months after Todd’s death, I received a MySpace message from a random guy. The only thing it said was, “How did you know Todd?”
I had posted a blog with the memorial I wrote for Todd’s service, and had a photo posted of him on my page, so I figured that it was someone else who knew him.
It wasn’t until after a few messages back and forth that he told me he was Todd’s cousin. And sent this to me:

It is by random circumstance that I found you, but in a strange way I needed to and had hoped I would. Rex gave me all of Todd’s journals the week after he died, and as I was reading the later one’s your name appeared. I made a note to myself to find out who you were so that I could tell you that Todd cared and wrote about you often.

I cried when I read that. It was so good to hear that I was important to Todd, even though we knew each other for such a short time. Why couldn’t I have had the opportunity to tell him how important he was to me? He needed to hear it more than I did.
I guess life isn’t fair in that way.

So, Todd’s cousin, Brent, ended up moving to Seattle in September. And he took over the empty position in the band Todd was in—with all of Todd’s best friends—called Coho. I have wanted to meet Brent for some time after our messages to each other, and the opportunity presented myself to me when Coho played at the High Dive last night. Being across the street from where I attended Todd’s wake, and listening to the people who were once close to him and loved him just like I did, made me feel close to him again. For me, his memory exists in music. I don’t believe it’s coincidental that I was given this opportunity a mere couple days away from the anniversary of his death.

Three things I would like to end with are two thoughts of Todd that I took from the videotape of his memorial in San Diego, and lyrics to a song my friend Heather wrote for his candlelight vigil.

Todd, you are forever loved and missed.

Inexplicably capable of loving those who were loved the least

An amazing person, who could so purely love his friends whether poor or rich, could fail to recognize just how truly amazing he was. That he could fail to see how much his love for other people was actually making a difference.

Did the pain go away? Did the voices in your head go from danger and darkness to hope and light instead? Do you finally see how beautiful you are?
Is there music where you are?

I’ll be there’s music where you are. I’ll bet you’re banging out a rhythm on your own guitar. I’ll bet the angels rushed to take you in their arms. I’ll bet there’s music where you are.

Do you know you’re loved? Are you surrounded by peace and love and laughter and no more asking, “Why?” Is the great big heaven filled with bright shiny stars? Is there music where you are?

I’ll bet there’s music where you are. I’ll bet you’re banging out a rhythm on your own guitar. I’ll bet the angels rushed to take you in their arms. I’ll bet there’s music where you are.

When the world around you seemed a mess you never lost your humor and for that we were blessed. Oh I bet you’re entertaining up among the stars. Oh I bet there’s music where you are.

I bet there’s music where you are. I’ll bet you’re banging out a rhythm on your own guitar. I’ll bet the angels have you in their arms.

I’ll bet there’s music where you are.
I bet there’s laughter where you are.
I know there’s peace where you are.

Going Out With A Bang

I had an amazing night last night. I know I’ve probably said that a million times before—but last night was up there with some of the best.
I decided to leave work a little later than usual yesterday, and as I was walking out the door to my car, T-Ray McDougal called me.

“How soon can you get to Qwest field?” were the first words out of his mouth.
“I don’t know, 20 or 30 minutes, why?” I replied.
“Because I have free tickets for The Rolling Stones concert tonight.”

Oh my gosh. The Rolling Stones. While I’m not their biggest fan, I definitely am a fan to some degree. And, come on, they’re pretty much the biggest rock show left. Definitely legendary.

Well, they did not disappoint. Labeled, “A Bigger Bang,” the concert was the most amazing show I’ve seen to date. With Pearl Jam, Radiohead and The Rolling Stones knocked off the list, I now can officially say I will die a happy concertgoer.

The most amazing part of the show was the theatricals, by far. A 300-ton, 20,400-square-foot stage was located at one end of Qwest field, with the roof open, clear skies, and a view of the city skyline and Space Needle in the background. The 2,450-square-foot “video wall” stood nearly seven stories high, and on either side of it were “two multilevel structures resembling neon-illuminated hotels on the Las Vegas strip.” Throughout the show, the lights were synchronized with Mick’s movements and the beat of the music, fire shot out from the top of the structure and fireworks exploded. It was super hard to not be impressed.

As if the special effects weren’t impressive enough, 63-year-old Mick Jagger danced and sang his way across the huge stage with more energy than half of my 20-something year old friends. That man has more stage presence and willpower than anyone I’ve seen. He truly is a rock God, and I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to see him live before he kicks the bucket one of these days. Because we all know it’s bound to happen soon with all the drugs, drinking, and sex he’s experienced.

Out of pure curiosity I asked T-Ray McDougal how many women he thought Mick had slept with.
“At least one at every concert,” he replied.
So, I calculated with another friend at the concert exactly how many shows The Rolling Stones might have played…we guesstimated approximately 1,500 on the low side.

That’s approximately 1,500 women. I think that’s more vagina than a gynecologist sees during his or her career.

I danced with thoughts of sleeping with Mick myself as he shimmied and shook across the stage to “It’s Only Rock ‘n’ Roll, a “Let It Bleed” duet with Dave Matthews, “Start Me Up,” “Brown Sugar,” “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” and my two favorites—“Paint it Black” and “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.”

All in all, the show was amazing. The only thing I regret is not being able to say, “I’m stoned at The Stones, dude!” But hey, maybe my chance to catch The Stones in concert for free will come again…

Anything’s possible.

Currently Feeling: Excited, scared, nervous.
Currently Anticipating: The Project Runway season finale party tonight, hosted by The Stranger. Who’s it going to be? I can’t freaking wait to find out. This is, only the biggest event of the fall season!
Currently Loving: T-Ray’s huge clue.

Maybe If My Alarm Played Jazz Music, I Wouldn’t Care So Much…

Just like Carrie with my Mr. Big, I attended a jazz show last night. I know it’s Hollywood, but Carrie’s jazz night was a bit more colorful. I tried to be entertained. I tried to be cultured. But, alas, I’m just not that into jazz. I’ve never been to Jazz Alley, and it was everything I’d thought it would be…dim lights, black and red decorations, tables filled with couples leaning their heads on each other’s shoulders and swaying to the music. *Sigh* How romantic. Except I didn’t have anybody to be romantic with. Puke. I’m convinced that the only reason people enjoy sitting and listening to two hours of jazz music is because they’re in love. I swear I sat and listened to one continuous long song for two hours. I couldn’t tell the difference between one or the other. Obviously, people hear something I don’t in jazz music because every once in awhile, in the middle of the song, people would start applauding like the musician just did something great…I was caught off guard every single time. And while Carrie could sit and make eyes with Ray the bass player, all I could do is sit and stare at the old men up on stage. Oh how I wished and fantasized that a man would play me like his life-size bass, but such is not the case. I just don’t think I’m cut out for the jazz scene.

In other news, my 14-year-old alarm clock finally decided to kick the bucket. I’ve had the thing since I’ve been 7 years old, and it is very near and dear to my heart. I’m sure you’ve all seen them around at your friend’s houses—the P’Jammer. It’s the greatest! I remember in college seeing them in everyone’s dorm rooms…Sarah has one too. You can wake up to music or an alarm, and it even has little bed bugs (small headphones in a compartment on the side), which I used to use to sneak and listen to music in bed when I was little. How ultimate is that! Alas, it’s just blinking at midnight now, and turns off and on when I try to change the time. I’m so sad and heartbroken that I really don’t know what to do about it…I guess I’ll have to settle on one of those “new fangled” ones that play frog noises. (Is anyone getting the references here?)

Currently Feeling: Nervous, frustrated, queasy, confused.
Currently Anticipating: Getting my shit straightened out so I can sleep!

Sometimes, I’m Overwhelmed

Last night I inexplicably found myself for a brief amount of time at The Green Room, lost in the thought of a friend long gone. I suppose this destination was an en route stop before The Mars Bar, where we were going to meet some friends. The girl I was riding with (friend of a friend) knew some band that was playing there. Of course, my first reaction was to inwardly groan because one never knows what a band will be like when they’re someone’s friend. Could be decent, mediocre, god-awful or great. The band’s name was The Maldives, and I’m going to go with great, if not spectacular and freakin’ amazing. When we descended the steps down into the long, dark hallway-like room where the band was playing, I saw six or so guys all crammed on a stage, each with some sort of string instrument in their hands. One guy had a small, banjo/ukulele type instrument, a couple had guitars, and one had a cello. All of them were singing in melodic harmony—sort of an alt-country, rock, bluegrass sort of a sound. They all sported some form of the laid-back, rocker, I-don’t-care look—trucker hats, beards long grown in, tight jeans and worn-in t-shirts. The room was silent, with all eyes toward the band. I was immediately struck by the voice of the lead singer, who was coming across slightly louder than the rest. The lyrics were beautiful, and the whole room was mesmerized. As was I. It was the type of music that makes you instantly sentimental. My thoughts, of course, immediately turned to Todd. I don’t know what it was about that room, the music, the people…but I was suddenly overwhelmed by his memory. Sometimes it hits me in waves. Often, I don’t think about it, but then something reminds me of him. More times than not, it’s a song or a particular band. Then I’m overcome with sadness. This is how it happens.

Last night, I sat in that room full of people smiling and enjoying the music, and I thought of Todd on that stage. He certainly could have been. He certainly should have been. I allowed my mind to wander to a memory of him that sticks out in my mind. A basement. A slightly uneasy agreement to hang out with someone, who I didn’t know, for the first time. He led me downstairs, put large black headphones over my ears and hit play. The voice was beautiful, melodic…I couldn’t believe it was his. He sat, and rocked, and danced to every beat that was coming through the headphones, perfectly in time to the music, even though he couldn’t hear it. He knew. I was enamored forever there after.

I haven’t lost a friend before Todd. It was hard. The only thing I’ve been able to compare it to is being heartbroken after a break-up. For those of you who have been heartbroken, you know what it’s like to think of the person you loved every time the slightest things reminds you of them—somewhere you went together, a song on the radio, something you laughed or talked about once. Eventually, the pain subsides and you get over your former love and can see them, maybe even hang out with them again, without feeling an overwhelming sadness. Losing a friend is like being heartbroken, except you never get to see that person again and those memories don’t ever really fade. A few things remind me of Todd, and occasionally I’ll see someone who reminds me so much of him, it’s uncanny. I almost have to do a double take. I think it’s just my brain, subconsciously, desperate to see him one last time. Then there are the times where I hear a soft, melodic song, and I’m taken aback by the sudden thought of a life that I was a part of for such a short time. My eyes well up, and I imagine his voice, his smile, his talent. His eternal heartache. His internal heartache.

It hurts. And it hits me at the oddest times. But as I closed my eyes and listened to this band who were very much alive and very talented, I realized that for me, Todd’s memory will always exist through music. Sometimes this makes me cry. But sometimes, I even smile.

Currently Feeling: Obviously, a little sentimental.
Currently Anticipating: A greasy lunch and nap after work.
Currently Reading: The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency